Tag Archive | relationships

The Dating Pool In Your 30’s and Beyond

We’ve all seen the memes. The girls have one for the guys and the guys have one for the girls. Just in case you haven’t seen them, take a look:

girls30s
And this one…
30's guys

I’m going to be brutally honest when I tell you that IF the dating pool hasn’t changed for you, then the pool isn’t the problem.

You are.

Terminally single people in their 30s and beyond have a problem, actually many problems, but the biggest problem is that they keep picking the same person over and over again hoping and/or expecting this one will be different. It’s not. If you burn your hand on something hot, you learn very quickly not to touch hot things. This is not the case, however, when it comes to dating. Here’s how it looks when you are a terminally single person: You choose wrong, you burn yourself, you choose wrong, you burn yourself, you choose wrong, you burn yourself, you choose wrong, you burn yourself, you choose wrong, you burn yourself and YOU LEARN NOTHING.

The dating pool isn’t a pool of shit, YOUR dating pool is a pool of shit because you’re standing in the same fucking pool you’ve been in since your 20’s. Nothing has changed because YOU haven’t changed and despite what you think — you haven’t grown. You can’t grow if you don’t learn from your mistakes and more importantly, you can’t learn from your mistakes if you don’t think you’ve made any.

Self-reflection or self-examination is a crucial skill to learn and employ. Self-examination means scrutiny of one’s own conduct, motives, desires, etc. If you can’t honestly assess yourself, you will NEVER grow as a person and if you don’t grow – you will keep dating in loserville.

You may now be wondering, what the fuck do I do? The first thing you should do is understand that every relationship is two people…unless you are poly-amorous. When two people are in a relationship then two people are to blame when shit goes wrong – just the same as two people are to be commended when things go right. So, when your relationship ended – it ended because you both fucked up. I know you know how THEY fucked up…but how did you contribute? Because you did. You absolutely fucked up too. Maybe you’re one of those people who thinks that jealousy = love, so you said or did things to make your partner jealous. Maybe you’re a bad listener, insecure, intolerant, hyper-critical, unrealistic, unforgiving or even a complete bitch. Take a look at all of your relationships – do you see any patterns in your behavior? The pattern you find is the very thing that is keeping you in the dating shit-pool.

Work on yourself and be more open to the possibilities – who knows you may find out that the dating pool in your 30s and beyond is really…

pictures-of-the-ocean-19

The Clean Hands Doctrine of Relationships

hands3The law has a very well known doctrine that Judge’s use when determining whether or not a person is entitled to a claim, they call it the Clean Hands Doctrine. It states:

n. a rule of law that a person coming to court with a lawsuit or petition for a court order must be free from unfair conduct (have “clean hands” or not have done anything wrong) in regard to the subject matter of his/her claim. His/her activities not involved in the legal action can be abominable because they are considered irrelevant. As an affirmative defense (positive response) a defendant might claim the plaintiff (party suing him/her) has a “lack of clean hands” or “violates the clean hands doctrine” because the plaintiff has misled the defendant or has done something wrong regarding the matter under consideration. Example: A former partner sues on a claim that he was owed money on a consulting contract with the partnership when he left, but the defense states that the plaintiff (party suing) has tried to get customers from the partnership by spreading untrue stories about the remaining partner’s business practices.

This is something that I believe should apply in relationships as well. Don’t make demands on your partner with dirty hands. Don’t speak out of both sides of your mouth, this *demand* applies to you but I can do whatever I want.

Relationships are partnerships NOT dictatorships. I understand that some things require discussion as all situations are unique. My point is that if you have lines that you believe can’t be crossed then you’d better make sure you are living up to the same standards you expect from your partner…which means don’t cross THEIR LINES.

We all have what we call “Deal Breakers” in relationships. Having “clean hands” would mean that if your partner crossed your line, you’d better be damn sure YOU behaved perfectly and did not violate any of your partner’s lines before you give an ultimatum or you will lose your partner.

The law doesn’t reward dishonest people because dishonest people aren’t victims of the situation, they are equally to blame. When your hands get dirty in your relationship, you aren’t a victim either…you’re just dishonest.

Facing The Past

Yesterday, while visiting my in-laws, I came face to face with my husband’s ex-fiancée to whom I was happily introduced by my MIL. The whole situation is a weird one. My MIL is buddies with this chick and despite the fact that my husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years (married 5 years this October), she’s still hoping for a reconciliation.  This is the kinda shit that sitcoms are made of and as a fan of sitcoms, I play along whenever I can.

Here’s the thing, I am not the least bit intimidated meeting or confronting ANYONE. EVER. I’m even less intimidated meeting any the women from my husband’s past. Maybe not everyone feels this way, maybe some of you don’t feel as comfortable facing the past of the person you are with but you should. These bitches are in his past for a reason. I could give a million gooey, lovey reasons why you should not be intimidated. For example: you are the NOW, his one and only, the one he chose to be with, to marry, the love of his life and so on. Those are all good reasons to not feel intimidated but they won’t work if …you are the least bit insecure, right? Insecurity will make you draw comparisons and fuel the insecurity fire. You’ll look at the list of past hopefuls and immediately determine which ones you are prettier than, which ones you are thinner than, smarter than, better boobs than, better ass than, etc…ultimately you will stumble across one or two that you come up short on…and then what? FEAR!!!! OMG! She’s prettier, sexier or whatever….he’ll want her back if he sees her. He’ll see that you are not as awesome as her!!!

In the height of your insecurity breakdown, you forgot that he is with you. He chose you, not her. There’s always going to be someone who is younger, prettier, sexier, smarter….those are not the reasons you build a relationship on. Those are the appetizers, not the main course. The main course includes things like loyalty, ability to love, companionship, common interests, kindness, affection, and a host of other things to which those superficial things are added. That makes up the whole person and not every pretty package has the important staples. Without the staples, you might, if you’re lucky, have 6 months of good to great sex and a shitty everything else. Relationships built on outward appearance alone are WORTHLESS. If you believe you are in a relationship with someone so shallow that you could lose him to someone else based on a set of “tremendous boobs”, then get out of that.  Seriously end it because you have nothing and if that’s the case…what exactly do you have to fear when facing the past of your man? Nothing! You can’t lose what you don’t have and if what you have is a great relationship – the past matters not.

This appears to be something my MIL doesn’t understand about my husband. He’s not with me for shallow reasons and he won’t dump me for them either.  If we split it will be because something either went missing or was fundamentally broken between us. It will not be for an ex who treated him like he didn’t matter, like he was nothing more than an endless supply of funding.  It doesn’t matter that she’s 9 years younger than me, more than a few pounds thinner or possibly has bigger tits (I’m a 38G, at some point, one more inch isn’t shit). She’s still a fucking cunt and that tends to overshadow the superficial shit.

Don’t be afraid of facing the past. If your present is on solid footing the past is not going to cause you any trouble and if your present is NOT on solid footing…better find out sooner rather than later when it will be much more painful. You may be wondering how that meeting went yesterday. It went fine, I said a boisterous hello and smiled like I just won the Miss Universe pageant and she was like a deer in headlights who scurried the fuck out as fast as her legs could carry her. 🙂

I say to all the women who came before me…

Namaste bitches!!

Want To Have A Great Relationship?

Stop trying to “win” arguments and simply love your spouse or significant other. In trying to win an argument, you often have to crush the person you are arguing with and in the end… you lose something even more important.

Is being right and alone better than being happy?

Think about that…

How Do You Deal With Broken Promises?

I got 5 emails asking me this question in a variety of different ways, different scenarios but ultimately it’s the same…what do you do when the person you love breaks their promises? One lady even went so far as to say constantly breaks promises. So, I’m going to discuss a broken promise and many broken promises because your actions will be and should be different.

Let’s start with a broken promise. Someone you love gave you their word that they would do something and they didn’t keep their word. This is not like a marital vow or anything, this is a promise to do something/change something/some kind of something. What do you do?

  • Don’t assume they deliberately broke their word
  • Ask them about it, in a non-confrontational way. No accusations.
  • If they say they forgot, believe them, especially if it’s the first time and they have a penis. (men forget shit)
  • Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill, if they forgot, show some grace and move on.

What if they didn’t forget? What if they just didn’t give a shit about the promise they made? Like seriously, fuck you! I don’t owe you anything. Who are you to make demands on me? Yada, yada, yada

  1. DUMP THAT MOTHERFUCKER NOW!

That selfish asshole won’t change and why are you staying with someone who would treat you with such disrespect? Seriously? Are you married to that ass? If someone you married treats promises to you like nothing…then you may want to have a look at your entire marriage? How is everything else? If he treats you with disrespect in the small things, the bigger things won’t suddenly be treated like fine china. This is the road to nowhere and if you are married to someone like this – get some counseling or get a good lawyer. No joke, he’ll be cheating on you eventually.

Multiple Broken Promises

Really? You’re asking me what you should do when someone you love breaks promise after promise like a serial promise maker and breaker?

First, don’t marry him. Second, don’t trust him – not even to feed your Goldfish. Fuck him till you’re bored, then end it. It won’t get better. If you put up with being disrespected, then you will continue to be disrespected. He has no incentive to change when you accept that kind of treatment.

For the record, he could be the greatest guy on the planet with a shit memory or a condition that causes him to have a shit memory. If that is the case, treat this like you would any other time he simply forgot. Forgetting, legitimately forgetting, is not the same thing as deliberately breaking a promise. Keep that in mind. Forgive and move on.

If you do marry a man that constantly breaks his promises, then don’t complain about it. You knew going in exactly who he was, you accepted it. Live with it. Marriage is not some magic fairy that suddenly transforms a person into someone else. If the person has qualities you didn’t like when you dated, he’ll have them as your husband and they’ll likely get a bit worse. Deal with it.

Does that sound a bit harsh? Sorry, really I am but I see women and not just BBWs but pretty much all women at some point in their lives believing this fairytale bullshit. I spend a lot of time talking about low self esteem but the over-esteemed should be addressed and will likely be another post. In a nut shell, we are all human and therefore NOT perfect. Prince Charming does not exist but then again neither does Cinderella. What you should be looking for is not someone who is perfect but someone who is perfect FOR YOU. Someone who loves you, respects you, accepts responsibility for mistakes and actively tries to do better. YOU NEED TO BE THAT PERSON TOO. It’s a two-way street. You both give and you both take. If only one of you is a giving and the other is taking…someone is being used. End it. [This advice is for men as well. Don’t allow yourself to be used. For Men – go back a re-read the piece and flip Men for Women and follow my advice.]

Tough love time is over. I’ll be back in a bit with more so …

Stay Tuned!

 

 

 

Relationship Tip #1

Relationship #1: Ask for clarification when the person you are with says something that upsets you.

It is just as likely that you are misunderstanding what they meant, as it is that you’re not. Strangely, or not so strange, most of us assume the worst rather than not. The reason is that we all have insecurities and no matter how great your relationship is – everything said to you is filtered through those insecurities.  I think more couple fights occur over faulty assumptions than they do actual insults/grievances or pettiness.

So, do yourself and your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/lover a huge favor BEFORE jumping their shit over something they said, make sure they actually said what you thought.  Ask them to clarify what they meant. Don’t assume facts not in evidence and then react to your assumptions!

It will save you countless hours of arguing leaving you more time to shower them with love and great sex!