Tag Archive | big girls

The Dating Pool In Your 30’s and Beyond

We’ve all seen the memes. The girls have one for the guys and the guys have one for the girls. Just in case you haven’t seen them, take a look:

girls30s
And this one…
30's guys

I’m going to be brutally honest when I tell you that IF the dating pool hasn’t changed for you, then the pool isn’t the problem.

You are.

Terminally single people in their 30s and beyond have a problem, actually many problems, but the biggest problem is that they keep picking the same person over and over again hoping and/or expecting this one will be different. It’s not. If you burn your hand on something hot, you learn very quickly not to touch hot things. This is not the case, however, when it comes to dating. Here’s how it looks when you are a terminally single person: You choose wrong, you burn yourself, you choose wrong, you burn yourself, you choose wrong, you burn yourself, you choose wrong, you burn yourself, you choose wrong, you burn yourself and YOU LEARN NOTHING.

The dating pool isn’t a pool of shit, YOUR dating pool is a pool of shit because you’re standing in the same fucking pool you’ve been in since your 20’s. Nothing has changed because YOU haven’t changed and despite what you think — you haven’t grown. You can’t grow if you don’t learn from your mistakes and more importantly, you can’t learn from your mistakes if you don’t think you’ve made any.

Self-reflection or self-examination is a crucial skill to learn and employ. Self-examination means scrutiny of one’s own conduct, motives, desires, etc. If you can’t honestly assess yourself, you will NEVER grow as a person and if you don’t grow – you will keep dating in loserville.

You may now be wondering, what the fuck do I do? The first thing you should do is understand that every relationship is two people…unless you are poly-amorous. When two people are in a relationship then two people are to blame when shit goes wrong – just the same as two people are to be commended when things go right. So, when your relationship ended – it ended because you both fucked up. I know you know how THEY fucked up…but how did you contribute? Because you did. You absolutely fucked up too. Maybe you’re one of those people who thinks that jealousy = love, so you said or did things to make your partner jealous. Maybe you’re a bad listener, insecure, intolerant, hyper-critical, unrealistic, unforgiving or even a complete bitch. Take a look at all of your relationships – do you see any patterns in your behavior? The pattern you find is the very thing that is keeping you in the dating shit-pool.

Work on yourself and be more open to the possibilities – who knows you may find out that the dating pool in your 30s and beyond is really…

pictures-of-the-ocean-19

You’d Be So Pretty If…

“You’d be so pretty if you lost some weight” … I can’t tell you how many times I heard that one while growing up. So I’d like to dedicate this piece to all those “helpful” souls who offer this advice to their chubby friend/sister/daughter/cousin/co-worker/whoever.

Telling us we’d “be so pretty if …” is NOT FUCKING HELPFUL! What you’re really saying is that we’re NOT pretty. You’re telling us that our worth is based only upon our weight, and we’re NOTHING unless we conform to what YOU believe is “normal.” In other words, you’re NOT helping, not one bit.

You’re NOT the first person to tell us that we’re fat. WE ALREADY KNOW! All you’re doing is killing what little self-esteem we have. If we’re foolish enough to listen to your “advice,” we’ll be allowing you to treat us like shit because we think that we deserve it. We’ll also end up fatter, lonelier, and more depressed, causing us to take stupid health risks and have risky sex in order to regain some semblance of our shredded self-esteem. News flash: being fat does NOT mean we deserve ANY of this!

I listened to this advice and it fucked my mind up something fierce. I thought of myself as something less than human, unworthy and unlovable. I blamed my weight for everything that went wrong or didn’t happen as I wished because I never thought there was any other reason. This made me close myself off from people, causing me to be unapproachable. Assuming no man would find me attractive, I used humor as a shield from their perceived rejection. This caused men to view me as aloof, and THAT was why they didn’t approach me!

As I got older, I continued to blame my unhappiness on my weight, even though it was never the problem. I put damn near every man that was interested in me in the friend zone because I did not believe they saw me as worthy. My self-loathing was boyfriend Kryptonite and I became very cavalier about men. I never gave any man more than two dates … often less. Sometimes I just randomly made out with guys at bars, took their numbers and didn’t call. I was afraid of being hurt, so I gave no one a chance, and I used them so they wouldn’t use me.

I eventually decided I should marry because I did want a family. Naturally, I chose someone who found my weight to be a problem. I’m not going to bash my ex-husband because we have two sons together and are on good terms. Really, my own belief that I was less than is what led me to choose that path. I think on some level I did this because I figured that would motivate me to finally be thin. It didn’t. You should not ever be with anyone who doesn’t think you are all that and then some; it’s a dumb thing to do. He should have chosen someone else, and I should have too.

Considering all the mistakes I made, here’s some advice that will actually help my fellow big girls: Be yourself. Love yourself. Tell yourself daily that you are awesome, beautiful, and sexy and eventually, you’ll start to believe it. It took me 40 years and plenty of tears to realize what I should have always known – that I’m beautiful, sexy and a damn good catch – and I write this with the hope that I can reach someone and help them get their self-esteem sooner rather than later.

Just remember, you’ll be so pretty if … you ignore the opinions of others and simply believe it’s true!

 

 

 

Don’t Get Stuck On An Adjective…

You are more than just your outward appearance, more than just a physical description of your outer shell and that is all an adjective is…

My blog is written for Big Girls because that is what I am and have always been but most of what I say can be useful to anyone. No matter what you look like on the outside, be it fat, thin, chubby, medium, blond, brunette, redhead, tall, short, average…African-American, White or Latina; we all have insecurities to tackle and that is the driving force behind every post on this blog. The adjectives I use are irrelevant, so don’t get hung up on them.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to accept WHO you are and go from there, especially if you can’t change it.

Can a Big Girl lose the weight? Absolutely. Can you change your hair color? Sure. Can you change your race? Not bloody likely and I’ll be honest, while a big girl CAN lose weight it’s nearly as hard to do that and keep it off as it is to change your ethnicity.  It’s simply much easier to change your attitude and perception and that is my ultimate goal. Love yourself for who and what you are and you will then allow others to love you too.

Yesterday, my husband wrote How to Date a Fat Admirer. In it he gave a short list of rules you should follow to be successful in the realm of love.  As I suspected, there were some readers that took exception to his use of the adjective “fat” to describe the women he was speaking too. The title was self-explanatory, he is and always has been a man who finds BBWs sexy. He’s dated all kinds of women, all shapes and sizes but at the end of the day his preference has always leaned heavily (pun intended) towards us curvy, fat chicks. It’s what he likes and he is not ashamed of it. I certainly appreciate the Hell out it, I’ll tell you that. There has been nothing more refreshing and amazing than being with a man, who, loves the one thing about you that you’ve been told your entire life has made you UNWORTHY of love.

His biggest struggle with dating and loving BBWs is that some of them have made him feel like there was something WRONG with him for being attracted to THEM! Does that sound rational? It isn’t but that’s what happens when years of self-loathing meet up with genuine attraction. It’s like the Clash of the fucking Titans. You want to be loved for who you are and when you meet someone willing to do exactly that – YOU SHAME HIM FOR IT.

I get it. You want to be loved for your mind and not just as a sex object. What makes you so fucking special and different than every other person on the planet? 😉 Human beings start off most relationships the same way – mutual attraction. Seriously, it took me nearly 10 years to realize Brad Pitt could really act…I’d never noticed that before. Sorry Brad, your hotness is distracting.

The reality is that you want to be loved ONLY for who you are on the inside because you’ve been told over and over that who you are on the outside is not worthy of being loved. So, naturally, if you meet someone, who, finds you attractive and sexy…there must be something wrong with them. There isn’t anything wrong with them, they just know what they like and they are confident in that knowledge. Don’t make them feel the same thing you’ve been made to feel your entire life…ashamed for who they are.

Love yourself, accept yourself, change what you don’t like but start with the shit on the inside because being fat is not your problem…it’s a symptom.

Self-loathing is your problem. Fix that and then you’ll know that you are worthy of love and you’ll stop driving people away. Oh and for fuck’s sake – make love with the lights on, your clothes and blankets off!!! How do you expect to achieve all FOUR types of female orgasm if your partner can’t see anything or access anything besides your damn pussy. By God, he won’t be able to eat you out properly, if he can’t see what he’s about! 😉

Think about it…

My Newest Obsessions

I’ve blogged on and off since 2002 under the same moniker, about politics and other nonsense. One thing I rarely did then and have not until this day done here is recommend other bloggers that I think are amazing.  Today I’m changing that and I’m going to talk about two of them.

My husband J.P.  Ribner’s blog, Trauma Central, is incredible. I highly recommend reading it if you’re interested in bullying and parental narcissism and how to survive and recover from those experiences. He writes about his memories and accounts in disturbing detail. The things that he suffered as a young child and into his adulthood are almost unbelievable … almost. Unfortunately, as his wife, I know they are true and as God is my witness, I’ve often wished for a time machine so I could go back and save him from that truth.  It’s both painful and inspiring. As a published author of the books Legacy of the Bear, Prophecy of the Bear and World So Dark, J.P knows how to tell a story, he draws you in and makes you see what his life was like as if you were watching it on the big screen. This is what writing should be, but often isn’t.

The other blog I’m obsessed with is Confessions of Amie.

“Amie” is both inspiring and heroic to me. She has lived a life that would have broken others to the point of no return and no recovery. Her writing is raw, painful, erotic, honest, and a bit humorous … more than a bit, actually.  That she can still laugh and see humor in things makes her a true heroine to me.  Her tales of life in the adult film industry do contain a lot of adult themes, so if erotica or mature content give you the vapors, then don’t go there; but if they do, why are you reading me? 😉

I was gonna try and write something geared to my Big Girls, but today I thought, why not send my Big Girls over to Trauma Central and Confessions of Amie instead. It’s sometimes useful to know that all of us have baggage, all of us have damage, and even if the baggage is different, the way we cope is almost the same. So start at the bottom and work your way up; I think you will not be disappointed in my obsessions. ❤

 

Have a great rest of your Sunday!

Sexy Idea…New Twist

Some of you Big Girls are reading my posts and thinking, “yeah, whatever Queen that shit won’t work for me because…(fill in your low self esteem belief/excuse here)”. Yeah, I know, I was there.  That’s why I am writing this blog.

I WAS YOU. Lacking self confidence can be positively crippling both emotionally and physically, Physically? How so? Easily, if you’re NOT right in your head, you will not enjoy sex; you can and likely do inhibit your ability to orgasm.

All great sex, for women, starts in the mind and works its way down through your body. Got that? If you don’t believe you’re sexy, you won’t believe your mate when they tell you or show you how sexy you are…don’t waste your opportunity. Enjoy every moment, stop telling yourself you can’t cum unless…just be in the moment and feel it.

I’m giving you ideas to help build your self confidence, some of them will make you balk. I know, trust me, I know. Most people assume that self confidence is what allows you to step up your sexy game to the next level.  Like the old question about what came first the chicken or the egg…most of the time stepping up your sexy is what leads you to building your self confidence. It’s a leap of faith.. You may not succeed your first time out but NEVER stop trying, if you don’t jump, you cannot fly. Once you start flying, the confidence starts rising till you’re soaring.

That said, now let me share with you an idea that will help you get lift off. Boudoir photos. I’m not suggesting you go to a place and pay to get pictures done. Nope, nada and nyet!

Step 1: Dig out or purchase some sexy lingerie

Step 2: Fix up your hair, put on your make up and wear your hottest outfit.

Step 3. Walk over to your spouse/SO, smile, say nothing and hand them a camera/cell phone or Ipad

Step 4. Crook your finger and walk to the bedroom.

Step 5. Start posing and in the process start removing your lingerie

Step 6. Let them take a few nude shots, unless they couldn’t hold out

Step 7. Fuck their brains out or let them fuck your brain out.

Most important thing I want you to do is SAY NOTHING with your mouth before Step 7.  We can effectively kill a mood with negativity.  Don’t ruin the momentum you’re creating by telling yourself or your mate that you look fat/feel fat or whatever. Speak with your eyes and your body; fake it till you make if you must but keep that trap shut!!! LOL

Even if your relationship isn’t in the greatest place, this will work wonders for both you and your relationship.

 

 

Sex..Yes, Please!

I have a confession to make. I am a big girl and I love sex. There I said it. I’m owning my shit right there. Depending on my mood, I refer to sex in a myriad of ways.  When I’m feeling woo woo, lovey and romantic, I want to make love. When I’m feeling dirty and horny, I want to be fucked…hard.  When regaling my husband’s prowess to girlfriends, I’ll say bang…so they won’t get the fucking vapors because I mentioned S-E-X.

Whatever you call it, I fucking like it, huge fan of getting some and I highly recommend getting it…OFTEN. It’s a great stress reducer, it’s exercise, it’s fun, great self-esteem builder and it’s a great way to bond with your spouse or whomever.

There is something you need to know, sometimes guys want you to initiate sex. Yeah…initiate. That’s a tough one for many women and even tougher if you’re a big girl. Fear of rejection and all that. It happens and it’s tough to bounce back from and I’m no different.  Fear of rejection can cripple you but guys have that fear too. Men have little choice when it comes to facing that fear because we kinda expect them to initiate. I say that someone has to bite the bullet and fuck it, it should be the guy because we have tits and they like tits. 😉

We big girls have much to overcome and many of those things seem like mountains, sex initiation is not a mountain. It’s a molehill. Take the first step to climbing that molehill by using technology.  Email, texting or IM’s are really easy baby steps toward being a sexually assertive woman. Send your man a dirty message or three. You let him know you’re game and game now…and you’ll be on your back or your knees in a NY minute!

Give it a try, you will not be disappointed. 😉

Happy Sunday!

 

Be Fierce

I’m sitting here digesting my yummy breakfast and I’m thinking what should I post on my blog.  It’s getting hot, the kids are ready to swim and I remember…the big girl in the swimsuit I wanted to link that.  Her name is Jenny Trout and she said something that is the running theme of my blog and my life:

“The reason these people do not want to see a fat body in a bikini is because traditionally, that garment is something a woman earns by proving herself attractive enough to exist. If fat women begin wearing them without shame or fear, what’s next? Will they have self-esteem? Will they demand respect? Then what will keep them in their proper place? How would conventionally attractive people judge them?

As a society, we need to be more honest in our discussions of other’s bodies. If we can’t avoid those totally unnecessary conversations, then we should at least admit the truth to ourselves: That this has nothing to do with health, and everything to do with the control we believe is our right to exert over others.”

She’s totally right and it’s why I started The Big Girls’ Guide by telling society to go fuck themselves. Big Girls are no longer going to sit in the back in our over-sized clothes hoping to go unnoticed and by unnoticed I mean mocked and shamed for being big girls. We are done with that shit. We are big beautiful women and we are gonna step up and take our place right next to everyone else. We are gonna wear what we want, be sexy, have sex with the lights on and eat real meals with dessert, if we choose to do so. You can shove your shaming tactics up your ass.

So, in case you missed it, read this: I wore a Bikini and Nothing Happened.