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The Dating Pool In Your 30’s and Beyond

We’ve all seen the memes. The girls have one for the guys and the guys have one for the girls. Just in case you haven’t seen them, take a look:

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And this one…
30's guys

I’m going to be brutally honest when I tell you that IF the dating pool hasn’t changed for you, then the pool isn’t the problem.

You are.

Terminally single people in their 30s and beyond have a problem, actually many problems, but the biggest problem is that they keep picking the same person over and over again hoping and/or expecting this one will be different. It’s not. If you burn your hand on something hot, you learn very quickly not to touch hot things. This is not the case, however, when it comes to dating. Here’s how it looks when you are a terminally single person: You choose wrong, you burn yourself, you choose wrong, you burn yourself, you choose wrong, you burn yourself, you choose wrong, you burn yourself, you choose wrong, you burn yourself and YOU LEARN NOTHING.

The dating pool isn’t a pool of shit, YOUR dating pool is a pool of shit because you’re standing in the same fucking pool you’ve been in since your 20’s. Nothing has changed because YOU haven’t changed and despite what you think — you haven’t grown. You can’t grow if you don’t learn from your mistakes and more importantly, you can’t learn from your mistakes if you don’t think you’ve made any.

Self-reflection or self-examination is a crucial skill to learn and employ. Self-examination means scrutiny of one’s own conduct, motives, desires, etc. If you can’t honestly assess yourself, you will NEVER grow as a person and if you don’t grow – you will keep dating in loserville.

You may now be wondering, what the fuck do I do? The first thing you should do is understand that every relationship is two people…unless you are poly-amorous. When two people are in a relationship then two people are to blame when shit goes wrong – just the same as two people are to be commended when things go right. So, when your relationship ended – it ended because you both fucked up. I know you know how THEY fucked up…but how did you contribute? Because you did. You absolutely fucked up too. Maybe you’re one of those people who thinks that jealousy = love, so you said or did things to make your partner jealous. Maybe you’re a bad listener, insecure, intolerant, hyper-critical, unrealistic, unforgiving or even a complete bitch. Take a look at all of your relationships – do you see any patterns in your behavior? The pattern you find is the very thing that is keeping you in the dating shit-pool.

Work on yourself and be more open to the possibilities – who knows you may find out that the dating pool in your 30s and beyond is really…

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Why Fat Shamers Are Delusional

The Fat Shamers are out en masse in 2016. They tell themselves and everyone who might listen that they are doing it for the good of all us poor, sad fatties! We need help, they tell themselves because we are too stupid to understand how fat and disgraceful we are. We’re saving their lives! Obviously, they don’t know they’re fat – and they’re too stupid to read a scale, watch tv or listen to their doctors…so we’ll shame them into fitness!

News Flash Assholes: Shaming people rarely has a positive effect, you’re not saving anyone’s life by ridiculing them – you’re more likely driving them to eat and actually gaining more weight. You want to Fat Shame someone? Fine! Own it but don’t try and convince anyone else that you are doing it for a greater good. You’re doing to feel morally superior and because you enjoy hurting people, especially weak people, not helping them. You obviously have some major insecurities causing you to seek redress with someone you feel is more deserving of ridicule…more deserving than you.

I have heard some of the stupidest reasoning behind fat shaming. My favorite was that the Fat Acceptance movement is somehow requiring/demanding that men change their innate desire and find fat women hot. Wow…you really think our big, fat bodies could actually make that leap?

You are D-E-L-U-S-I-O-N-A-L!

Fat Acceptance is first and foremost about people ACCEPTING and LOVING themselves for who and what they are. How insanely criminal, right? Secondly, it’s about allowing us to live our life how we choose to live it — without ridicule.

It isn’t about you fat shaming assholes at all, I mean, it’s not a miracle movement. It most certainly isn’t a movement that is demanding that anyone actually change what they find sexually appealing. We actually need very little help in that regard. There are more than enough people (men and women) who actually find thick, chubby and fat sexy. You don’t and we’re fine with that. I don’t find insecure little assholes sexually attractive either – so it’s a win-win, as they say.

In closing, I would just like to say that this is a big world and we should all be able to live in peacefully and we should all be treated with respect. If you want to be a fat shaming asshole, be the best fat shaming asshole in the world…I support you! But don’t be a liar. Don’t lie to yourself or try lying to the rest of us about why you do it…because we know why and it’s not about being helpful. It’s because you’re an insecure person who thinks that self-confidence comes from bloviation and bluster. It doesn’t, you know…you have to find that inside yourself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You’d Be So Pretty If…

“You’d be so pretty if you lost some weight” … I can’t tell you how many times I heard that one while growing up. So I’d like to dedicate this piece to all those “helpful” souls who offer this advice to their chubby friend/sister/daughter/cousin/co-worker/whoever.

Telling us we’d “be so pretty if …” is NOT FUCKING HELPFUL! What you’re really saying is that we’re NOT pretty. You’re telling us that our worth is based only upon our weight, and we’re NOTHING unless we conform to what YOU believe is “normal.” In other words, you’re NOT helping, not one bit.

You’re NOT the first person to tell us that we’re fat. WE ALREADY KNOW! All you’re doing is killing what little self-esteem we have. If we’re foolish enough to listen to your “advice,” we’ll be allowing you to treat us like shit because we think that we deserve it. We’ll also end up fatter, lonelier, and more depressed, causing us to take stupid health risks and have risky sex in order to regain some semblance of our shredded self-esteem. News flash: being fat does NOT mean we deserve ANY of this!

I listened to this advice and it fucked my mind up something fierce. I thought of myself as something less than human, unworthy and unlovable. I blamed my weight for everything that went wrong or didn’t happen as I wished because I never thought there was any other reason. This made me close myself off from people, causing me to be unapproachable. Assuming no man would find me attractive, I used humor as a shield from their perceived rejection. This caused men to view me as aloof, and THAT was why they didn’t approach me!

As I got older, I continued to blame my unhappiness on my weight, even though it was never the problem. I put damn near every man that was interested in me in the friend zone because I did not believe they saw me as worthy. My self-loathing was boyfriend Kryptonite and I became very cavalier about men. I never gave any man more than two dates … often less. Sometimes I just randomly made out with guys at bars, took their numbers and didn’t call. I was afraid of being hurt, so I gave no one a chance, and I used them so they wouldn’t use me.

I eventually decided I should marry because I did want a family. Naturally, I chose someone who found my weight to be a problem. I’m not going to bash my ex-husband because we have two sons together and are on good terms. Really, my own belief that I was less than is what led me to choose that path. I think on some level I did this because I figured that would motivate me to finally be thin. It didn’t. You should not ever be with anyone who doesn’t think you are all that and then some; it’s a dumb thing to do. He should have chosen someone else, and I should have too.

Considering all the mistakes I made, here’s some advice that will actually help my fellow big girls: Be yourself. Love yourself. Tell yourself daily that you are awesome, beautiful, and sexy and eventually, you’ll start to believe it. It took me 40 years and plenty of tears to realize what I should have always known – that I’m beautiful, sexy and a damn good catch – and I write this with the hope that I can reach someone and help them get their self-esteem sooner rather than later.

Just remember, you’ll be so pretty if … you ignore the opinions of others and simply believe it’s true!

 

 

 

The Tales Of Candy Gazelle (A Series)

???????????????????????????????????????????????????Candy Gazelle is the kind of girl that no girl wants to be…in short she’s a pathetic, hateful, twit who is lacking both morals and self esteem.  She masquerades as something bigger and more awesome but she’s a soulless person who uses whatever and whomever she can to inflate her false self because she’s fears her true self.

Candy is an innovator, an entrepreneur, a great business woman, she’s the greatest thing to happen to cosmetics since Coco Chanel…just ask her and that’s what she’ll tell you. Candy Gazelle is basically an Avon Lady using off market products. She goes door to door selling and applying her make up and giving out tips to all who call but it’s not too many people because she only works 10 hours a week. Don’t tell that to real entrepreneurs, they’d scoff at her laziness…poor Coco would roll over in her grave!

Candy is fat and very proud, she thinks that shows how confident she is and if she was just a proud fat girl, it would. Unfortunately, Candy feels it’s necessary to tear down others even when they help prevent Candy’s clients from looking like hookers (Candy’s still learning her trade…shhh), she’s boastful, loud and tacky. Candy thinks confidence and strength means you must be a complete bitch, she’s wrong.  Don’t be like Candy Gazelle.

Confidence is quiet assurance and a belief in yourself and your abilities.  It’s poise and certitude. It’s all about you and requires no negative thinking about anyone.

Candy Gazelle doesn’t understand that, so she feels the need to tear down others as a way of propping up her very fragile ego.  She’s had many adventures that sent her down the rabbit hole of self loathing and I’m not sure she will ever get herself out of it, especially since I have a very vivid imagination. 😉

I’m going to tell you many of her sad stories, hopefully we can learn and even laugh at her many, many misadventures.

When our journey is over, I want you to proudly stand up and say I will NEVER be Candy Gazelle.

Dealing With Distance in Relationships

There are many types of distances you can have in a relationship emotional, physical, philosophical, and etc.

I’m going to talk about physical distance and how to shorten it. There are a few reasons why you and your mate have a distance between you: you live in different states, went on a vacation, business trip, you attend different colleges/universities and so on. Whatever the reason, there are many things you can do to keep the relationship alive and thriving.

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First, set clear boundaries of what is and is not acceptable to you. Second, be completely honest with each other. Third, keep things smoking hot & sexy and last but not least… communication.

Communication!!!!!!

The key to maintaining a good relationship is open, honest, and healthy communication. Once that is in place, you are in a good starting position for maintaining your relationship when dealing with a separation. If you want to learn how to better communicate with your mate (and who doesn’t?) read this article: 9 Steps to Better Communication Today

From the linked article….

The most popular myth about communication in relationships is that since you talk to your partner, you’re automatically communicating. While talking to your partner is indeed a form of communication, if it’s primarily about everyday, “surfacey” topics (“How were the kids?” “How was work?” “How’s your mother?”), you’re not really communicating about the important stuff. This article is primarily about how to talk in a more open and rewarding manner with your significant other.

Communication either makes or breaks most relationships. You can improve your relationship today, right now, by putting into practice some of these tips for improving the communication in your relationship.

If you want to learn more, click that link and learn steps on honing that skill. I will give you some tips on how to hone another skill.

Keeping your relationship smokin’ hot is just as important as good communication. So, what can you do when you two are apart for extended periods of time?

Pull out all the stops and start with these:

Phone Sex – whether or not you engage in actual masturbation is up to you but why fake it when the real thing is so much sexier to listen to…

Sexy chats on skype or other IM tools just a variation on phone sex but this is something you can do pretty much anywhere. Though the blushes could give you away if you’re in public. 😉

Send erotic pictures…that requires no explanation

Write erotic stories with you and your mate as the lead characters. I like this one because it allows you to be more risky and creative than you might be in real life. We all have hidden fantasies and this is a good way to let those slip out.

Whatever you chose to do, do NOT let a day go by, without letting them know why, that you are not communicating!!! Lack of communication breeds insecurity and insecurity is a relationship death blow. Make sure they know that you want them, that you are thinking of them always and that they are in your blood. They will do the same and your relationship will get stronger despite any time spent apart.

Now get your ass out there and be sexy!

Talk to you later, lovers. 😉

Sex Mistakes Men Make: #1 The Beginning

sex-education_2433736bSex does not begin in the bedroom…for women

Okay guys we understand that for most of you, you can turn the lights out and “Mr Happy” can become “Mr. Ready-for-action” lickety-split. This is okay if you have just started a relationship because in the beginning – we’re all horned up and excited much of the time.  The problem is that this does not last for us women.

Once we’re past the super exciting honeymoon period and life starts to creep back into our everyday lives, we need a bit more than a wink and a smile. I’m not saying that you can’t excite us in the bedroom, you can…but if you’ve ignored us most of the day, it will be a lot more work for both of us and you may not be successful.

Don’t listen to the comedians, we don’t just need food and compliments. We need human contact, most especially with the man we love. If you spend your entire day gaming, facebooking, chatting with your buddies, working, napping, running errands, and etc… – what are you NOT doing? That’s right, you are not spending any quality time with your woman. I’m not saying you can’t do with your free time as you wish, you can…  But I am saying if your priorities don’t include the person you claim to love, you will be going to sleep with rosy palm and her five fingers or a set of blue balls. Because when we don’t feel loved and important – WE DON’T GET WET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And if we don’t get wet, we’ll choose sleep over you.  Before you even think it, let me say that this is not us being vindictive. It’s practical. It’s late, we’re tired and we have two choices:

  1.  lose sleep for mediocre sex with someone who chose everyone and everything but us all day long.
  2.  get some much needed rest and start the day over tomorrow.

What would you choose? Honestly, you’re being a selfish person if you think she owes you sex after being ignored all day. If you love her, treat her better. If you don’t, then cut her loose…there are PLENTY of men who would look at your woman as a treasure. Don’t forget that.

So what can you do? How can you have it all without feeling like you have to step and fetch for your woman? Because I’m not suggesting that either!!!

While you are doing your things and she’s doing hers… stop a minute and give her a hug or accept one from her if she comes to you, kiss her and show you appreciate her. You don’t have to ignore your own need to do stuff, you just need to not forget the person you love exists.

A woman needs to feel safe and secure in a relationship and if you ignore her too much, she will not feel safe or secure any longer.If she’s trying to talk to you and you can’t tear your eyes away from your FB friends, you just told her that they mean more to you than she does. If that’s not your goal the give her your attention for a minute and a nice long hug. Hugging releases pleasure hormones and creates a sense of connection and trust. Those are feelings of safety and when a woman feels safe and secure, she feels loved and when she feels loved – she want to FUCK.

Arousal begins in the brain for us women. Keep contact and connection with us throughout the day and you will have begun our foreplay. Also, it wouldn’t hurt if maybe you did begin some foreplay before dragging us to the bedroom, the kitchen or wherever you plan on banging us, but that’s for another blog. 😉

You understand what I’m saying now, fellas? I’m not trying to shame you, I’m trying to help you get laid because when you’re getting laid…my Big Girls are getting laid.

Hopefully you all understand how to start the process and now understand that for us women, sex does not start in the bedroom.

Happy Fucking!

 

 

 

Dating/Relationship Myth #1: Smart Women Can’t Find Men

smartThis is code for uncompromising bitches who can’t find a sucker to put up with her shit.

The fact is this: the smarter the woman is the EASIER it is for her to find the right man because a smart woman recognizes a good man and treats him accordingly. I and other intelligent women in successful relationships find memes like this offensive bullshit.

It’s dumb women, who think that their shit doesn’t stink, that continue to choose THE WRONG MAN over and over and over; or act so high and mighty that they drive Mr. Right away with all their entitlement crap. Or even worse than that…get involved with married men and then think that somehow they will prove to be better or smarter than the poor beleaguered spouses who’ve been cuckolded. It is because of that, they remain chronically single into their mid-30’s and beyond. It’s NOT because they’re smart, it’s because they’re chronically selfish and self-indulgent and they do not know how to be a partner. They think they deserve to be a Princess. Smart women choose partners, they don’t choose peons or pimps.

Now I am NOT referring to women who deliberately and consciously choose to be single. I am talking about women who put memes like this on their Pinterest, Instagram or Facebook because they have been dumped/left …yet AGAIN.

You are not unable to find or keep a good man because you are too smart, fat, old, young, dumb, etc…you are unable to find/keep a good man because you are suffering from low self esteem and don’t believe you are worthy or you are a selfish little bitch.  Both conditions are curable but it’s likely the sufferers of low self esteem will actually prevail over the selfish types who think they are too awesome to “settle”. Honey, you’re not settling, you’re not worthy.

There is a huge difference between being a self confident woman and a stuck up bitch.  Self confident women believe they have worth, stuck up bitches believe no one is worthy of them.

Would you want to be with someone who thinks you don’t deserve them? Exactly.

Believe in yourself but not to the point of believing you are better than everyone else…that’s a line you should never cross.