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The Dating Pool In Your 30’s and Beyond

We’ve all seen the memes. The girls have one for the guys and the guys have one for the girls. Just in case you haven’t seen them, take a look:

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And this one…
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I’m going to be brutally honest when I tell you that IF the dating pool hasn’t changed for you, then the pool isn’t the problem.

You are.

Terminally single people in their 30s and beyond have a problem, actually many problems, but the biggest problem is that they keep picking the same person over and over again hoping and/or expecting this one will be different. It’s not. If you burn your hand on something hot, you learn very quickly not to touch hot things. This is not the case, however, when it comes to dating. Here’s how it looks when you are a terminally single person: You choose wrong, you burn yourself, you choose wrong, you burn yourself, you choose wrong, you burn yourself, you choose wrong, you burn yourself, you choose wrong, you burn yourself and YOU LEARN NOTHING.

The dating pool isn’t a pool of shit, YOUR dating pool is a pool of shit because you’re standing in the same fucking pool you’ve been in since your 20’s. Nothing has changed because YOU haven’t changed and despite what you think — you haven’t grown. You can’t grow if you don’t learn from your mistakes and more importantly, you can’t learn from your mistakes if you don’t think you’ve made any.

Self-reflection or self-examination is a crucial skill to learn and employ. Self-examination means scrutiny of one’s own conduct, motives, desires, etc. If you can’t honestly assess yourself, you will NEVER grow as a person and if you don’t grow – you will keep dating in loserville.

You may now be wondering, what the fuck do I do? The first thing you should do is understand that every relationship is two people…unless you are poly-amorous. When two people are in a relationship then two people are to blame when shit goes wrong – just the same as two people are to be commended when things go right. So, when your relationship ended – it ended because you both fucked up. I know you know how THEY fucked up…but how did you contribute? Because you did. You absolutely fucked up too. Maybe you’re one of those people who thinks that jealousy = love, so you said or did things to make your partner jealous. Maybe you’re a bad listener, insecure, intolerant, hyper-critical, unrealistic, unforgiving or even a complete bitch. Take a look at all of your relationships – do you see any patterns in your behavior? The pattern you find is the very thing that is keeping you in the dating shit-pool.

Work on yourself and be more open to the possibilities – who knows you may find out that the dating pool in your 30s and beyond is really…

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The Tales Of Candy Gazelle (A Series)

???????????????????????????????????????????????????Candy Gazelle is the kind of girl that no girl wants to be…in short she’s a pathetic, hateful, twit who is lacking both morals and self esteem.  She masquerades as something bigger and more awesome but she’s a soulless person who uses whatever and whomever she can to inflate her false self because she’s fears her true self.

Candy is an innovator, an entrepreneur, a great business woman, she’s the greatest thing to happen to cosmetics since Coco Chanel…just ask her and that’s what she’ll tell you. Candy Gazelle is basically an Avon Lady using off market products. She goes door to door selling and applying her make up and giving out tips to all who call but it’s not too many people because she only works 10 hours a week. Don’t tell that to real entrepreneurs, they’d scoff at her laziness…poor Coco would roll over in her grave!

Candy is fat and very proud, she thinks that shows how confident she is and if she was just a proud fat girl, it would. Unfortunately, Candy feels it’s necessary to tear down others even when they help prevent Candy’s clients from looking like hookers (Candy’s still learning her trade…shhh), she’s boastful, loud and tacky. Candy thinks confidence and strength means you must be a complete bitch, she’s wrong.  Don’t be like Candy Gazelle.

Confidence is quiet assurance and a belief in yourself and your abilities.  It’s poise and certitude. It’s all about you and requires no negative thinking about anyone.

Candy Gazelle doesn’t understand that, so she feels the need to tear down others as a way of propping up her very fragile ego.  She’s had many adventures that sent her down the rabbit hole of self loathing and I’m not sure she will ever get herself out of it, especially since I have a very vivid imagination. 😉

I’m going to tell you many of her sad stories, hopefully we can learn and even laugh at her many, many misadventures.

When our journey is over, I want you to proudly stand up and say I will NEVER be Candy Gazelle.

The Clean Hands Doctrine of Relationships

hands3The law has a very well known doctrine that Judge’s use when determining whether or not a person is entitled to a claim, they call it the Clean Hands Doctrine. It states:

n. a rule of law that a person coming to court with a lawsuit or petition for a court order must be free from unfair conduct (have “clean hands” or not have done anything wrong) in regard to the subject matter of his/her claim. His/her activities not involved in the legal action can be abominable because they are considered irrelevant. As an affirmative defense (positive response) a defendant might claim the plaintiff (party suing him/her) has a “lack of clean hands” or “violates the clean hands doctrine” because the plaintiff has misled the defendant or has done something wrong regarding the matter under consideration. Example: A former partner sues on a claim that he was owed money on a consulting contract with the partnership when he left, but the defense states that the plaintiff (party suing) has tried to get customers from the partnership by spreading untrue stories about the remaining partner’s business practices.

This is something that I believe should apply in relationships as well. Don’t make demands on your partner with dirty hands. Don’t speak out of both sides of your mouth, this *demand* applies to you but I can do whatever I want.

Relationships are partnerships NOT dictatorships. I understand that some things require discussion as all situations are unique. My point is that if you have lines that you believe can’t be crossed then you’d better make sure you are living up to the same standards you expect from your partner…which means don’t cross THEIR LINES.

We all have what we call “Deal Breakers” in relationships. Having “clean hands” would mean that if your partner crossed your line, you’d better be damn sure YOU behaved perfectly and did not violate any of your partner’s lines before you give an ultimatum or you will lose your partner.

The law doesn’t reward dishonest people because dishonest people aren’t victims of the situation, they are equally to blame. When your hands get dirty in your relationship, you aren’t a victim either…you’re just dishonest.

Dealing With Distance in Relationships

There are many types of distances you can have in a relationship emotional, physical, philosophical, and etc.

I’m going to talk about physical distance and how to shorten it. There are a few reasons why you and your mate have a distance between you: you live in different states, went on a vacation, business trip, you attend different colleges/universities and so on. Whatever the reason, there are many things you can do to keep the relationship alive and thriving.

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First, set clear boundaries of what is and is not acceptable to you. Second, be completely honest with each other. Third, keep things smoking hot & sexy and last but not least… communication.

Communication!!!!!!

The key to maintaining a good relationship is open, honest, and healthy communication. Once that is in place, you are in a good starting position for maintaining your relationship when dealing with a separation. If you want to learn how to better communicate with your mate (and who doesn’t?) read this article: 9 Steps to Better Communication Today

From the linked article….

The most popular myth about communication in relationships is that since you talk to your partner, you’re automatically communicating. While talking to your partner is indeed a form of communication, if it’s primarily about everyday, “surfacey” topics (“How were the kids?” “How was work?” “How’s your mother?”), you’re not really communicating about the important stuff. This article is primarily about how to talk in a more open and rewarding manner with your significant other.

Communication either makes or breaks most relationships. You can improve your relationship today, right now, by putting into practice some of these tips for improving the communication in your relationship.

If you want to learn more, click that link and learn steps on honing that skill. I will give you some tips on how to hone another skill.

Keeping your relationship smokin’ hot is just as important as good communication. So, what can you do when you two are apart for extended periods of time?

Pull out all the stops and start with these:

Phone Sex – whether or not you engage in actual masturbation is up to you but why fake it when the real thing is so much sexier to listen to…

Sexy chats on skype or other IM tools just a variation on phone sex but this is something you can do pretty much anywhere. Though the blushes could give you away if you’re in public. 😉

Send erotic pictures…that requires no explanation

Write erotic stories with you and your mate as the lead characters. I like this one because it allows you to be more risky and creative than you might be in real life. We all have hidden fantasies and this is a good way to let those slip out.

Whatever you chose to do, do NOT let a day go by, without letting them know why, that you are not communicating!!! Lack of communication breeds insecurity and insecurity is a relationship death blow. Make sure they know that you want them, that you are thinking of them always and that they are in your blood. They will do the same and your relationship will get stronger despite any time spent apart.

Now get your ass out there and be sexy!

Talk to you later, lovers. 😉

The Wandering Eye

His mouth says he loves you but his eyes…appear less committed. Men really do seem to be from Mars, while we women simply are not. We (men and women)  see things very differently.  Many of our differences are biologic but some are learned/habits. What I want to address in this blog is what we call “The Wandering Eye” or checking people out. Whatever term floats your boat.

Men look at women, unless they’re gay, MEN LOOK AT WOMEN.  Got that? Until they are cold and dead, they will look. They can be 100% committed and completely in love with someone and THEY WILL STILL notice a hot chick.  That is just the way it is. I read upwards of 12 articles on this subject in the last couple of days, I asked my husband about it too.  All males sources agree, it is a biological condition. They simply can’t help it. They are driven to look. They can fight it, they can minimize the looking when you are with them but they won’t stop until they are dead. We’ve heard many sayings like, “I may be married but I’m not dead” or “I may be on a diet but I can still look at the menu”.

Men may not realize that this urge of theirs makes the women they are with feel insecure but it can and often does.  It makes us feel like we are not woman enough for you. We think this means you’re not happy with us and that you are looking to replace us with a better model.  And sometimes that is exactly what happens and because we’ve seen it happen to our friends, we worry that it’s going to happen to us.  Men will say that women do it too and to some extent we do.  Those of us in happy relationships tend to look at “safe” hotties like celebrities or the characters they play. These are men that we can fantasize about but know in reality they are unattainable and therefore not a threat to our relationship.  We don’t seek out the stimulation like some men do, if we see a hot guy we notice but unlike men, we do not go out of our way to look for them. We’re not the “hunters”.

Men, on the other hand, will look at any woman they find attractive, everyday attainable women and will  have her stripped and fucked in their heads before she’s out of sight. That’s one big difference between the sexes. Now, some of you may be reading this and thinking, not MY man!! Yeah, honey…your man too! Nobody is immune and because they all do it, we have to find a way to make peace with it.

One way to get over it is to follow your man’s lead. Does he look at hot women right in front of you? Then you should allow yourself to notice that stud with the 6-pack and low rise jeans, who cares that he’s only 20?  Does he go online and look at hotties on the internet? Then you should too. If your man thinks you should not feel insecure because he enjoys the visual stimulation, then he should be fine with you doing exactly the same thing.  As long as he stops at the looking line and doesn’t cross over into the flirting line or starts hanging out in private chat rooms,  it’s really no big deal. Remember that other old saying? If you can’t beat him, join him. Join him! It’s all fine, he won’t feel threatened. He won’t worry that you’re picturing that sexy construction worker while he’s grabbing a handful of your ass. Your man is not gonna feel the least bit insecure that you may be less attracted to him now that you are trolling sexy sites

Now for all you guys out there thinking that checking out women and mentally fucking them, in between “I love you’s” to your wife or girlfriend is totally harmless, remember this the next time you’re checking out hotties online or in person, you’ve given your woman permission to do it too…and she is.  😉

 

 

So She Cheated: Here’s Why

I need to state for the record that I have never been unfaithful to anyone – not a single boyfriend and neither my ex-husband nor my current one. That said, I was tempted to cheat in the past because of poor treatment. Though I chose not to do it, the desire to cheat is something I understand all too well. I am also the chosen confidant of many women and I know why they cheated. Using myself and my friends, I will endeavor to explain why so many women do commit adultery.

I would like to explain a few things about women. This would be pertaining to most normal women and not personality disordered women or that small minority of women that treat sex casually. Women, unlike men, need to have some sort of an emotional bond with someone to be intimate. We need to care, feel safe and believe that we are loved or will be loved before we get naked. Whereas most men simply need a hot ass or nice tits and a pulse …and they’re good to go. Exceptions are everywhere and I’m not gonna get dragged into that. Biologically men and women see sex differently and what gets us there is different.

When a man cheats, he can cheat without emotion. For many men, sex is just sex and they can still love their spouse and cheat with reckless abandon. For the most part women can’t do that. If your woman cheated on you…she’s done with you and she’s been done with you for a while.

Here are the top reasons women cheat:

1. Loss of Intimacy

When a couple gets into a routine, they have kids, they get stressed, they have money issues and start bickering. These things happen to all of us. One of the first things to go is emotional intimacy. You stop communicating, you lash out at her because your boss is a jerk, you get angry at her for every little slight whether real or perceived, you hold grudges, you don’t forgive when she apologizes for anything. These behaviors will eat you up inside until you stop caring…when you stop caring about the state of your relationship, you stop telling your wife what she means to you, you stop making her feel wanted, you treat her like an inconvenience, like a servant and she becomes easy pickings for any man who finds her attractive. And they will find her attractive and when she makes that leap into another man’s bed, she has also let him into her heart.

2. Neglect

You used to spend time together but now all you want to do is play video games, spend your free time on Facebook chatting with your friends or worse, go party with your friends leaving your wife home alone. ALONE. There really is only so much alone time any person can handle before they get lonely and bored. You won’t talk to her anymore, why bother? You’ve got the internet. She’s taking care of the kids, the house, the bills, all the duties you used to share. She tries to tell you that she’s lonely but you don’t care, you’ve gotten selfish. You lash out at her, ignore her even more and continue to put the needs of your friends whether real or in cyberspace ahead of her. You’ve told her both verbally and with body language that YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT HER or HER NEEDS. Her needs will not go away, she will simply need to do as you are doing and get them met elsewhere…and lucky for her there are plenty of men who want to show her a great time and tell her all the things you used to tell her when you cared enough about her to make her feel loved and special.

3. Abuse

Be it verbal, physical, emotional or anything else, an abusive spouse is a spouse begging to be left. If leaving isn’t possible because of threats or finances, cheating most definitely is possible and not only possible but pretty fucking likely. Keep calling her a cunt, keep pushing her around, keep telling her about all the women you’d be fucking if only you were single and I guarantee you this much – that tired cunt will be fucking your best friend or your neighbor faster than you can say “get me a beer, ya bitch!”

4. A Sexless or Perfunctory Sex Relationship

Sex is a necessary function for most of us. When the sex dries up, dwindles to the bare minimum or feels like you are just going through the motions… she’s gonna start thinking that you are cheating, that you no longer love her, that you find her undesirable and eventually the desire to go outside the marriage will be too hard to ignore. When you treat your woman like she’s not a participant in the act but merely a warm body that you are simply ejaculating into…she’s going to stop wanting to be that vessel for you.

She needs sex with emotion, she needs you to see her as more than a warm body and when you stop seeing her, she’s gonna start seeing someone behind your back.

5. Revenge

You cheated on her. You just needed something new, you still love her but you couldn’t help yourself. You needed a taste. It was only a one-night stand, or a quickie with a coworker in the parking lot. You banged some bitch on your lunch hour. You fooled your sweet little clueless wife…you really think she has no clue. You are a fucking IDIOT. She knows. She may not know who you cheated with but she knows you cheated and she is only biding her time. She will pay you back. She will fuck your shit up bad. While she’s fucking up your shit, she’s sucking your best friend’s cock. And not just him, she’s going to fuck your boss, your brother and if your Daddy is still in good shape – she’ll bang him too.

You cheat on your wife, do not be surprised if she pays you back tenfold.

So, to sum it up…cheating is WRONG. Cheating is a horrible and destructive thing to do. I do not condone it, I do not accept it and I do not think you are brave if you choose to do it. You’re an asshole who chose to do something despicable. There are many people who cheat for no reason beyond plain selfishness. There are plenty of people who are just pieces of worthless shit who do not know how to love another person and do not know how to care and be in a committed relationship.

That said, I understand why it sometimes happens. I also understand that in relationships both parties contribute to the good of it and the bad of it. In some cases as I’ve illustrated and my husband illustrated in his blog…people are driven away and make a bad situation worse by cheating. If you don’t want to be cheated on, you can try hard to avoid giving them a reason to betray you. It could still happen but if you want to be happy – treat your spouse like fine china. Because if you don’t, another man will…

In the real world, relationships are like business. Everybody is replaceable

UnEven Relationships

What exactly is an uneven relationship? It’s basically when more is expected from one person than the other person is willing to give in return. It’s a powerplay, in a sense, but mostly it’s an unhealthy thing in any relationship whether it’s romantic, friendship, familial or business.

It can be really draining to a person and a relationship when one person has an expectation of being treated like royalty while getting angry about being asked to return the favor. It’s predatory and to the person on the low end of the relationship it becomes draining both physically and emotionally. You feel disillusioned (at best) and endlessly used (at worst).

Now don’t get me wrong, there are often times when a relationship goes through rough patches and temporarily one person will pull more weight than the other. I’m not talking about normal ups and downs or bumps in the road when one person must step up emotionally or physically until the other person is back on their game. I’m talking about a pervasive pattern of “all for me” and “none for you”.

Here’s an example from my past. I was in a relationship with someone that had a lot of emotional needs. He required a lot of support, lots of listening to his issues/problems and tons of love and understanding. I gave it without reservation. I was there doing all I could to be a supportive girlfriend. You do these things when you are in love. After a while, I started to notice a pattern. His problems and needs were important to him but when I needed a shoulder, I was often ignored or overlooked. When he did attempt to be there for me, he’d lose his temper if I took too long expressing my pain or my needs. He would get angry, lash out and tell me I was too emotionally needy and that I needed to stop demanding more than he could give me. He made me feel deeply ashamed for asking him for anything. It hurt, a lot. It hurt worse when he would ignore me but be there for his friends and acquaintances. He would be the first person to volunteer to help others through their problems but when it came to me and my pain…he was absent. I didn’t understand why he could be so kind and understanding with people he barely knew and so heartless to me. After a while, I became absent emotionally and the relationship just crumbled.

You can’t be with someone who expects to be treated and worshiped like a King/Queen but then treats you like “the help”. It’s bad and if you have that dynamic, you should walk away, if you can. Things are unlikely to change once it’s a pattern. Patterns become habits and habits are often impossible to break. Once your relationship becomes entrenched in this pattern everything you loved about this person starts to slowly die and if you can’t reach them and make them understand what they are doing to you…your relationship will die.

If you are with someone who truly loves you, you will be able to reach them. The most important thing then becomes – did you reach them before your love died? If you did, you will save your relationship. If you didn’t, you will just prolong the inevitable and cause more pain and suffering along the way. You can’t be afraid to put the work into your relationship, if the love is strong then it’s worth every effort you can muster to repair it. You also should not be afraid to pull the plug. Don’t allow feelings like fear of being alone or fear of the unknown prevent you from doing what’s necessary for survival.

Like Kenny Rogers said,

You’ve got to know when to hold ’em
Know when to fold ’em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run
You never count your money
When you’re sittin’ at the table
There’ll be time enough for countin’
When the dealin’s done