Archive | October 2014

So She Cheated: Here’s Why

I need to state for the record that I have never been unfaithful to anyone – not a single boyfriend and neither my ex-husband nor my current one. That said, I was tempted to cheat in the past because of poor treatment. Though I chose not to do it, the desire to cheat is something I understand all too well. I am also the chosen confidant of many women and I know why they cheated. Using myself and my friends, I will endeavor to explain why so many women do commit adultery.

I would like to explain a few things about women. This would be pertaining to most normal women and not personality disordered women or that small minority of women that treat sex casually. Women, unlike men, need to have some sort of an emotional bond with someone to be intimate. We need to care, feel safe and believe that we are loved or will be loved before we get naked. Whereas most men simply need a hot ass or nice tits and a pulse …and they’re good to go. Exceptions are everywhere and I’m not gonna get dragged into that. Biologically men and women see sex differently and what gets us there is different.

When a man cheats, he can cheat without emotion. For many men, sex is just sex and they can still love their spouse and cheat with reckless abandon. For the most part women can’t do that. If your woman cheated on you…she’s done with you and she’s been done with you for a while.

Here are the top reasons women cheat:

1. Loss of Intimacy

When a couple gets into a routine, they have kids, they get stressed, they have money issues and start bickering. These things happen to all of us. One of the first things to go is emotional intimacy. You stop communicating, you lash out at her because your boss is a jerk, you get angry at her for every little slight whether real or perceived, you hold grudges, you don’t forgive when she apologizes for anything. These behaviors will eat you up inside until you stop caring…when you stop caring about the state of your relationship, you stop telling your wife what she means to you, you stop making her feel wanted, you treat her like an inconvenience, like a servant and she becomes easy pickings for any man who finds her attractive. And they will find her attractive and when she makes that leap into another man’s bed, she has also let him into her heart.

2. Neglect

You used to spend time together but now all you want to do is play video games, spend your free time on Facebook chatting with your friends or worse, go party with your friends leaving your wife home alone. ALONE. There really is only so much alone time any person can handle before they get lonely and bored. You won’t talk to her anymore, why bother? You’ve got the internet. She’s taking care of the kids, the house, the bills, all the duties you used to share. She tries to tell you that she’s lonely but you don’t care, you’ve gotten selfish. You lash out at her, ignore her even more and continue to put the needs of your friends whether real or in cyberspace ahead of her. You’ve told her both verbally and with body language that YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT HER or HER NEEDS. Her needs will not go away, she will simply need to do as you are doing and get them met elsewhere…and lucky for her there are plenty of men who want to show her a great time and tell her all the things you used to tell her when you cared enough about her to make her feel loved and special.

3. Abuse

Be it verbal, physical, emotional or anything else, an abusive spouse is a spouse begging to be left. If leaving isn’t possible because of threats or finances, cheating most definitely is possible and not only possible but pretty fucking likely. Keep calling her a cunt, keep pushing her around, keep telling her about all the women you’d be fucking if only you were single and I guarantee you this much – that tired cunt will be fucking your best friend or your neighbor faster than you can say “get me a beer, ya bitch!”

4. A Sexless or Perfunctory Sex Relationship

Sex is a necessary function for most of us. When the sex dries up, dwindles to the bare minimum or feels like you are just going through the motions… she’s gonna start thinking that you are cheating, that you no longer love her, that you find her undesirable and eventually the desire to go outside the marriage will be too hard to ignore. When you treat your woman like she’s not a participant in the act but merely a warm body that you are simply ejaculating into…she’s going to stop wanting to be that vessel for you.

She needs sex with emotion, she needs you to see her as more than a warm body and when you stop seeing her, she’s gonna start seeing someone behind your back.

5. Revenge

You cheated on her. You just needed something new, you still love her but you couldn’t help yourself. You needed a taste. It was only a one-night stand, or a quickie with a coworker in the parking lot. You banged some bitch on your lunch hour. You fooled your sweet little clueless wife…you really think she has no clue. You are a fucking IDIOT. She knows. She may not know who you cheated with but she knows you cheated and she is only biding her time. She will pay you back. She will fuck your shit up bad. While she’s fucking up your shit, she’s sucking your best friend’s cock. And not just him, she’s going to fuck your boss, your brother and if your Daddy is still in good shape – she’ll bang him too.

You cheat on your wife, do not be surprised if she pays you back tenfold.

So, to sum it up…cheating is WRONG. Cheating is a horrible and destructive thing to do. I do not condone it, I do not accept it and I do not think you are brave if you choose to do it. You’re an asshole who chose to do something despicable. There are many people who cheat for no reason beyond plain selfishness. There are plenty of people who are just pieces of worthless shit who do not know how to love another person and do not know how to care and be in a committed relationship.

That said, I understand why it sometimes happens. I also understand that in relationships both parties contribute to the good of it and the bad of it. In some cases as I’ve illustrated and my husband illustrated in his blog…people are driven away and make a bad situation worse by cheating. If you don’t want to be cheated on, you can try hard to avoid giving them a reason to betray you. It could still happen but if you want to be happy – treat your spouse like fine china. Because if you don’t, another man will…

In the real world, relationships are like business. Everybody is replaceable

So he Cheated: Here’s Why

A lot of women get cheated on and they all have that one burning question…WHY????

Well, here is a blog for all you who’ve been there and never truly understood what went wrong. It’s easy to just say that cheater is an asshole who didn’t deserve you but before they became that cheating asshole, they were someone you loved. Did you treat them like they were loved? Did you do all you could to make them feel special and wanted? Did you truly try to make your relationship work?

Trauma Central

Do you want to know why your man cheated on you? I mean, really really want to know why? Then put down the carton of Häagen-Dazs, dry your eyes, and read this article… It might just save your next relationship!

With the exception of my wife, I’ve cheated on nearly every significant relationship I’ve ever been in. It’s a fact I’m not proud of, but there it is. If there’s one good thing that came out of all this, it’s that I have some good insider information on why men do this sort of thing. Secondly, if you want to get anything out of this, just forget about the idea of right/wrong or good/bad. I’m not your priest so I don’t deal with the binary concept of right or wrong. I’m more concerned about the facts of human behavior and you should be too if you don’t want your next…

View original post 1,372 more words

UnEven Relationships

What exactly is an uneven relationship? It’s basically when more is expected from one person than the other person is willing to give in return. It’s a powerplay, in a sense, but mostly it’s an unhealthy thing in any relationship whether it’s romantic, friendship, familial or business.

It can be really draining to a person and a relationship when one person has an expectation of being treated like royalty while getting angry about being asked to return the favor. It’s predatory and to the person on the low end of the relationship it becomes draining both physically and emotionally. You feel disillusioned (at best) and endlessly used (at worst).

Now don’t get me wrong, there are often times when a relationship goes through rough patches and temporarily one person will pull more weight than the other. I’m not talking about normal ups and downs or bumps in the road when one person must step up emotionally or physically until the other person is back on their game. I’m talking about a pervasive pattern of “all for me” and “none for you”.

Here’s an example from my past. I was in a relationship with someone that had a lot of emotional needs. He required a lot of support, lots of listening to his issues/problems and tons of love and understanding. I gave it without reservation. I was there doing all I could to be a supportive girlfriend. You do these things when you are in love. After a while, I started to notice a pattern. His problems and needs were important to him but when I needed a shoulder, I was often ignored or overlooked. When he did attempt to be there for me, he’d lose his temper if I took too long expressing my pain or my needs. He would get angry, lash out and tell me I was too emotionally needy and that I needed to stop demanding more than he could give me. He made me feel deeply ashamed for asking him for anything. It hurt, a lot. It hurt worse when he would ignore me but be there for his friends and acquaintances. He would be the first person to volunteer to help others through their problems but when it came to me and my pain…he was absent. I didn’t understand why he could be so kind and understanding with people he barely knew and so heartless to me. After a while, I became absent emotionally and the relationship just crumbled.

You can’t be with someone who expects to be treated and worshiped like a King/Queen but then treats you like “the help”. It’s bad and if you have that dynamic, you should walk away, if you can. Things are unlikely to change once it’s a pattern. Patterns become habits and habits are often impossible to break. Once your relationship becomes entrenched in this pattern everything you loved about this person starts to slowly die and if you can’t reach them and make them understand what they are doing to you…your relationship will die.

If you are with someone who truly loves you, you will be able to reach them. The most important thing then becomes – did you reach them before your love died? If you did, you will save your relationship. If you didn’t, you will just prolong the inevitable and cause more pain and suffering along the way. You can’t be afraid to put the work into your relationship, if the love is strong then it’s worth every effort you can muster to repair it. You also should not be afraid to pull the plug. Don’t allow feelings like fear of being alone or fear of the unknown prevent you from doing what’s necessary for survival.

Like Kenny Rogers said,

You’ve got to know when to hold ’em
Know when to fold ’em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run
You never count your money
When you’re sittin’ at the table
There’ll be time enough for countin’
When the dealin’s done

Head Cold

I’ve been battling a major head cold. Trying to blog today…hopefully it won’t suck as my mojo is still MIA.

How Do You … Go From Neglect to Connect?

This is a problem that many couples face and most times only one half of the couple finds it to be a problem. I’m not gonna say it’s gender specific because I doubt that to be the case. It’s probably a 50/50 split on which gender does the neglecting. I will say that I believe eventually all couples face this problem in one form or another…here’s the question:

 

Dear Big Girl’s Guide,

My wife is neglecting me and I don’t know what to do about it. We’ve talked about it and she promises to change and she changes for a few weeks then slides right back into the wife she was. I can’t take much more of this, it’s killing our relationship, it’s destroying the intimacy we once shared and honest to God, I’m on the verge of cheating on her. I’m the least important person in her life and our two kids are only slightly more important than I am. I have emotional needs and I don’t care if that doesn’t sound manly, I have needs and she doesn’t seem to care about them.  She spends all her time on Facebook playing games and chatting with anyone and everyone. She’s constantly distracted. We can’t talk because she’s always so focused on who might be IMing her.  I tried telling her about a medical problem I am having and during our brief encounter she looked at her phone 9 times, answered questions of someone who she values more than me and then looked at me as if I were insane because I got angry. Truly I was in the middle of telling her a really serious thing I needed her to know and she actually started sending an IM to someone else WHILE I WAS SPEAKING.  She couldn’t remember anything I said to her and when I stormed out of the room, she went right back to Facebook like nothing out of the ordinary just occurred. I can’t take it anymore. She has a lover, it’s Facebook, so why shouldn’t I have one? Please advise.

You are not alone. I Googled these stats for you. In a 2009 study, Facebook is responsible for ruining 1 out of 5 marriages. Seriously! As of 2011, nearly 1/3 of all divorce filings mention Facebook as one of the reasons for the marriage ending.

“Facebook-induced jealousy may lead to arguments concerning past partners. Also, our study found that excessive Facebook users are more likely to connect or reconnect with other Facebook users, including previous partners, which may lead to emotional and physical cheating.”

Now that the stats are out of the way, let’s talk about your issues.  Do not cheat. Cheating is the worst thing you can ever do, it’s so destructive and painful to the other person. I understand that you’re hurting and you feel like she is being unfaithful to you and she may be having an emotional affair. I don’t know. I do know this, if you feel like you need to cheat…leave her. That’s right, I said leave her. Don’t break your vows, don’t be vindictive. Just tell your wife that you want a divorce. That will either get her to listen and understand just how much damage has been done and want to fix it or she’ll agree and you will have a much more amicable split. You have children together, trust me when I say this, YOU WANT an amicable split.

Now for those of you experiencing something similar and you don’t want to be driven to cheat or end your marriage, what can you do? You have to find a way to talk to your spouse about this issue. Of course, it may be hard especially if they can’t listen to you for more than a few seconds before Facebook starts blinging and they are back to typing that oh so important response to the random person that is much more important than you are at the moment but…you need to persevere. If you can afford to replace it, I’d say to put a hammer through the laptop/desktop/Smartphone/Ipad or whatever device is momentarily disrupting your life. You NEED to make your spouse listen to you. You also need to make your issues understandable. This is not going to be easy, people get defensive and argumentative when being told that they are hurting you. They get angry, they lash out, they blame you for their mistreatment and you may not realize it but they may be partially right.

Love, life, arguments, pain…all of these things run in circles or cycles. There is no beginning and no end, they just go around and around. Most people will say I did X to you because you did Y to me. The person on the receiving end of that gets pissed because it sounds like they are being blamed for your shitty behavior.  That’s not really the case, it’s more like you are being told the reason behind the action. Unless you or they are a psychopath, there is usually a reason for hurting someone and it’s usually a response to a hurt or a perceived hurt. That does NOT excuse the person from choosing to hurt you. They had other options and they are responsible for their choices. They could have tried talking to you, they could have forgiven you and let it go or they could have hurt you differently. Communication is the best way because often we misunderstand or perceive things incorrectly and wind up hurting someone who did nothing wrong and that makes us an even bigger asshole. It happens.

So how can you go from neglect to connect?

Communication, communication, communication…

You MUST learn how to communicate your wants/needs/hurts/issues effectively. You MUST learn how to express yourself in a manner that makes the other person willing to listen. Learn their triggers and avoid them. If you don’t know them ask, “hey, I need to talk to you, I need you to hear me. How can I do that for you? What am I doing wrong?”. It could be your tone, it could be that they feel lectured to and not engaged in the exchange. Ask them what the best approach to talking to them about serious issues is. If you don’t know what you’re doing wrong, you will continue to do it.

Be patient. Breaking patterns is not easy. Allow them slip ups and be understanding when they make a mistake. If they genuinely want to improve things between you, then you need to do your part as well.  Since no relationship problem is ever just one person’s fault, you need to ask what you did to contribute to the problem and fix your shit!

I hope this helped!

 

Fake It Till You Make It

No, not orgasms!! Never fake those…that’s a bad fucking habit and yes, I mean that LITERALLY. You start faking orgasms then you will be forever faking them. Sex without orgasms is like pasta with sauce, it’ll do in a pinch but eh, I’d rather not bother. Never treat sex like that, it’s simply way too amazing to treat so blah.

I’m talking about self confidence.  When you are insecure, it shows in everything you do. You walk with your head kinda down, shoulders kinda slumped, and you dress kinda “meh”…  You present a “meh” image and you you get treated like the color beige, who the fuck gets excited by the color beige? Yeah, nobody!!!

What do you do? You hate your body, you hate your hair, you hate your face…you are positively beastly! When you think that way, you look that way and people see you that way. You want people to see you better? That starts with you. Treat yourself the way you’d treat a sweet child or a puppy for you I like puppies better than kid peeps. Smile, show yourself some kindness and if you must pretend then do so. Pretend you are the best looking thing on the planet.  Choose to change one single thing about yourself a week. Start with something easy, this week smile. Smile all day, when you’re alone, when you’re out and about, when you’re in the shower…smile, smile, smile! Watch how a simple smile changes how you start feeling and how people start responding. Next week smile and walk with your head held high.  The week after that smile, head held high and now shoulders back and walk straight. The week after that change your hair, keep smiling and keep walking with your head up and shoulders back. Next buy some sexy clothes and wear them with your sexy hair, continue smiling and keep walking with your head up and shoulders back. And so on…

See what I’m doing here? It’s like an exercise program that doesn’t make you sweaty. Self confidence is something that none of us is born with…it’s developed, like muscles (though we are born with those…don’t get distracted by semantics). 😉 Develop a strong sense of self and project it onto the world, it will make it much harder to be hurt by mean comments and looks if you know your own value.

Give it a try and fake it, until you make it!!!!