Excuse #1 for Being An Ass: “You Told Me to Express My Feelings”

Ann St. Vincent left this comment on my post about Bebs:

“My ex once said to be “you told me to express my feelings” after I chafed at him telling me I was a total bitch.”

I have also heard that same sentiment expressed, while being on the receiving end of a verbal onslaught of derision and anger. This reasoning is complete and utter BULLSHIT. Asking your spouse or significant other to open up and express their feelings more is to help your relationship avoid pitfalls, fighting, adultery and eventually divorce. Effective communication is a must for a relationship to succeed.  You need to create a place where both of you feel safe to be honest, in an effort to improve your marriage. Honest and mean ARE NOT THE SAME.

Using your spouse’s request to express your feelings is NOT permission to hurt, harm or maim them emotionally. Telling them that they asked for it is simply an attempt to justify bad behavior. It’s childish and selfish and not conducive to anything but inflicting pain on someone you claim to love and attempting to do it with impunity.

You don’t get to hurt someone with impunity, there is always a cost. It may be a small cost or it may be a large one, but deliberately causing someone pain always comes back to you.

If you want a successful marriage or relationship follow these steps…

The Big Girl’s Guide’s 10 steps to have a happy marriage:

1. No matter how angry/hurt you feel, never retaliate. It creates a cycle and cycles are hard to break. Rather than that, take time to think and address your hurt later, in a calm fashion.

2. Treat your spouse like fine china. You wouldn’t be careless with your best plates, you shouldn’t be careless with something even more precious. People break too.

3. Never do ANYTHING with expectation of a specific outcome. Mind reading isn’t a skill born from love.

4. Be truly forgiving of each other.

5. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry”. Bullshit. Love means saying your sorry, meaning your sorry and acting sorry over and over until the person you hurt believes you.

6. Never stop dating and wooing your spouse. Don’t be complacent, always show your love.

7. Love is the foundation of marriage. Any problem you have has one cause (lack of love) and one solution.. More love. Give your spouse MORE love, more intimacy, more ability to connect emotionally.

8. Sex. Yes, please and often! Don’t wait for bedtime. Send a sexy text, flirt with your spouse, use every interaction as an opportunity to let them know you want them.

9. Quality time. Acts of service. Words of affirmation. Gifts from the heart. Easy ways to show the person you love that you love them.

10. Always put your spouse’s needs above your own, they will eventually do the same…

 

 

4 thoughts on “Excuse #1 for Being An Ass: “You Told Me to Express My Feelings”

    • Thanks for your comment. It totally made me remember hearing that from more than one man in my past…and it occurred to me that if it happened to us both then there are likely a lot of people walking around struggling with it too,

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