How Do You Make Him Give Up Porn?

Queenofallevil,

My husband has a porn addiction and it’s ruining our marriage.He watches it all the time and he’s always looking at porn sites. I hate it. I don’t want to make love with him because I know it’s not me who is exciting him. He says he enjoys it but it is not the porn that makes him horny, it’s me. I don’t believe him. He’s always been into it but once we married, he should have stopped.  It’s like cheating! Help me, please. I need him to understand. How can I make him stop?

I’ll be really honest with you, it’s not porn that’s ruining your marriage, but you might be. You have a problem with porn, obviously. He watched it BEFORE you married him and you still married him? You say marriage should have made him stop, but did you make it a condition of marriage? If yes, and he agreed, then you have a problem. BUT, if you didn’t, and I kinda doubt that you did, then the problem rests with you. Marriage is not some magic balm that changes a person into the perfect specimen because you decree it.

Porn is NOT cheating. There are probably a million people wishing their ex watched porn rather than banged someone outside the marriage.  Porn is looking at naked people or watching sexual acts. Cheating is engaging in the behavior. I can watch firefighters put out a fire, that does not make me a fireman. It makes me an observer.

Put on your big girl pants and ask yourself what is really the problem with the porn? I think it’s more about you being insecure than anything else. Insecurity unchecked will destroy your relationship … eventually. You asked him and he told you that you turn him on. Believe him. I’ll tell you what it likely is. He probably has a fantasy or a fetish that he is not comfortable sharing with you and maybe he gets that fix from what he’s watching. We all have something, and we are scared someone will think we’re weird or a sicko, so we keep it buried.  I have one and after being with my husband almost 7 years, he does not know it. I have not had the courage to confess it, I’ve come close but alas … no cigar. Heck he told me one of his only recently!!!

Why not try this: instead of giving yourself the vapors, ask him to watch his porn with you.  He will either be elated that you want to try that with him or he’ll be compelled to tell you what he’s been hiding. Whatever the case, remember that you love this man and chose to be his wife. Don’t judge him, love him.

Now to be 100% totally fair, I will say that there can be a problem with porn viewing. Is porn replacing YOU? Is he watching porn rather than choosing to be with you? Has your sex life slumped but his viewing of porn increased? Do you feel as if you’ve been replaced sexually by porn and/or his online activity? If any of these are what’s happening, it’s a problem. I didn’t get the impression from your email that any of these situations were the case.

If they are, please, email me back, rosie[dot]ribner[at]gmail[dot]com – I will write another post to cover those question because that answer is VERY different than the one I gave here.

 

9 thoughts on “How Do You Make Him Give Up Porn?

  1. Spot on ! My husbands friends are jealous that I watch it WITH him cause they have to sneak and Lawd help em if they get caught !

      • It really is insane. And the way people get weird about porn – like you said, it’s a problem if it replaces intimacy in a relationship…but if ones lover is still attentive to your needs, why begrudge them the additional release if they need it?

      • There should be no problem and further, it should be seen as an opportunity to deepen or expand the sexual relationship. If you’re with someone with a higher sex drive than you have, there are two options:

        1. leave them to it and go to sleep
        2. Join them as it may increase your own sex drive as well

        Be thankful that they’d rather tend themselves than look outside the relationship. Though, I would advise any woman who doesn’t have a high a drive as her man, perhaps lend him a hand anyway. 😉

        Personally, I don’t have that problem…I patiently await my husband’s quick recovery for further tumblings

  2. Pingback: When Porn IS The Problem | The Big Girl's Guide

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