How Do You Rekindle Romance

Reader questions losing her sex life because of her weight but is that really the problem?

 

My husband is losing interest in me because I’ve gained weight. I was big when we dated, a size 20, but I hid it well. We used to have sex pretty regularly 3 times a week but now I’m lucky if he rubs up against me in bed. He says my weight is fine but if that’s true where is the proof? I’m going crazy, I’m afraid he’s gonna cheat on me soon. All he does is play Xbox all night every night until I give up on him and go to bed alone. I feel like he’s avoiding me and he won’t really talk about what the problem is. I love him and the rest of our marriage is great except this.  What can I do?

Thanks,

Size 22 and desperate!!!!

 

Dear Size 22,

I don’t want to sound like an asshole but how can the rest of your marriage be great, if he won’t talk about it and he actively avoids spending time with you???

The loss of intimacy is more than just avoiding sex, it’s avoiding the relationship and what made it great.  There is something bigger happening here than your weight, which is likely NOT the problem. We big girls always tend to blame our weight because we are so obsessed with seeing it as a flaw.

Let me start by busting a myth, so you can refocus on figuring out what the problem actually is.  It’s NOT your weight. If you were a size 20 when he met you, fell in love and married you. Your weight was not a problem for him no matter how much you think you “hid” it.  In all honesty, your hiding it could be part of the problem. Don’t be shocked, I’m serious. Men are visual and he’s clearly attracted or he wouldn’t have chosen you. Hiding what he wants, your body, could be putting a damper on his desire. He wants to look at you, let him. If you were a size 4 or in the range of society designated “normal” and then gained weight to hit a 22, then MAYBE just maybe then your weight could be an issue. But you were curvy to start and you’ve gained 1 size (10-12lbs). Not likely an issue for him.

Say this to yourself 10 times…loud: IT’S NOT MY WEIGHT!!!!!!!!!

Now what the fuck is it? Why has he pulled away from you? Why are you losing the intimacy you had and need for a successful relationship? I don’t know. Here’s what I do know:

1. I do know that it’s not your weight
2. I do know that your husband is actively avoiding spending time with you

Based on those two statements, I can say that the rest of your marriage is, at the moment, not so great. That doesn’t mean it can’t be again. Once you shift your focus from the internalized fat shaming and refocus on repairing what went wrong, your marriage could be great again. Here is a good start on working towards repairing your marriage.  You need to have a conversation and it needs to be non-accusatory. You need to express your needs. This is not about sex, it is about intimacy, the sex is waning because the intimacy is fading. Fix the intimacy and the sex will come…

Follow these 10 steps to have a happy marriage:

1. No matter how angry/hurt you feel, never retaliate. It creates a cycle and cycles are hard to break. Rather than that, take time to think and address your hurt later, in a calm fashion.


2. Treat your spouse like fine china. You wouldn’t be careless with your best plates, you shouldn’t be careless with something even more precious. People break too.


3. Never do ANYTHING with expectation of a specific outcome. Mind reading isn’t a skill born from love.

4. Be truly forgiving of each other.

5. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry”. Bullshit. Love means saying your sorry, meaning your sorry and acting sorry over and over until the person you hurt believes you.

6. Never stop dating and wooing your spouse. Don’t be complacent, always show your love.

7. Love is the foundation of marriage. Any problem you have has one cause (lack of love) and one solution.. More love. Give your spouse MORE love, more intimacy, more ability to connect emotionally.

8. Sex. Yes, please and often! Don’t wait for bedtime. Send a sexy text, flirt with your spouse, use every interaction as an opportunity to let them know you want them.

9. Quality time. Acts of service. Words of affirmation. Gifts from the heart. Easy ways to show the person you love that you love them.

10. Always put your spouse’s needs above your own, they will eventually do the same…

In your case, focus on #8…I realize you said sex isn’t happening but is the flirting? Does he know you want him? Are you being sexy and trying to entice him? Start with THAT. Good luck and as always, let me know if  this helps. Also, if you have any other questions or find out other information – message me or leave a comment and we can try to come up with other approaches.

8 thoughts on “How Do You Rekindle Romance

  1. Thanks so much. Sadly, I learned much the hard way but at least I learned, right? LOL
    Too many of us never do and I really hope to help others avoid some of the more painful lessons.

  2. Really great advice given here, and it was the first thing I thought – the problem is not her weight. Also maybe her lack of confidence in herself/her body might contribute to the issue. I would also say that the 10 tips are an absolute must for approaching a partner about a sensitive issue.

    I love your advice and it is spot on… but… the focus is all on her to fix the problem. She obviously wants to fix the problem, but as far as we can tell, he just seems to be avoiding her. She can’t fix the problem if he won’t even acknowledge it. It takes two…

    …I say this as it makes me wonder if the ‘problem’ might be his, for example – depending on his age – he might be losing his sex drive. I was in a relationship that lost the intimacy, and for ages I was the one being blamed, despite me being the proactive one on wanting to fix things and him avoiding anything to do with it. In fact, if I did try to approach the issue and him like ‘fine china’ he would get aggressive and angry, blame me some more and run away. I did everything I could. I felt awful, and whilst I never felt unattractive, (I am far too confident, and had way too many romantic offers that I kept turning down), I felt like I was the one to blame…. until one day, he outright admitted he lost his sex drive, and had erectile problems. He feared losing face in front of me, so blamed me for ‘not being attractive’ instead, charming eh? By the time I came to realize this, it was too late and the damage had been done, I wasn’t too pleased with being made to feel awful for years just so he could save face. The relationship was over.

    Anyway, I realize I may be projecting my former issues onto your reader. But I still feel he is the one neglecting her, and is the one who will have to make a huge effort, not her. If he is losing his libido, he may not want to face up to it, so is avoiding instead.

    Another thing that comes to mind, is I have friends whose partners were ‘gamers’ and because the gaming world is so immersive, they got sucked in and just outright neglected the real world, including their partners. The fact he plays on his XBox every night is also worrying. I know of 4 people whose relationships ended because one of the partners would play games every day, and neglected their whole families.

    Either way, I hope it works out for her.

  3. I totally get what your saying and I agree with you. My focus was on what she could do because she asked and until she gets her head in the right place, she won’t be able to talk to him about the problems. People tend to get very defensive when they feel under attack, so, I want her to approach him with love and not accusations and/or hurt. If she continued to believe her weight was the problem, the chances are she was coming at him in a way that may cause him further withdrawal.

    It’s clear that something is driving him away, causing him to withdraw and right now all we know is he’s doing it and won’t tell her why. If all was “great” in the marriage then he wouldn’t choose to game every night. Something is driving him to do that and whatever it is needs to be uncovered.

    Sorry your relationship went that way. Yes, it’s absolutely awful that rather than just come to you so you could help him solve his issue, he blamed you instead. I’ve been there. My hope is that she can get him to a place where he feels safe to open up and the only way to do that is by loving him more not less. Once he starts getting there, she can then explain how his behavior made him feel so he can work on his end of it. Someone has to take that first step though…

  4. I’d also like to add that as you said the problem may be his, I say you’re right. The problem is his lack of communication in addition to whatever is driving him away. So, the first thing that she needs to do is get him talking. How she is gonna do that is to create a safe environment for him to open up. The best way to do this is to always remind yourself – “I love this person” before you say anything, so when you do start the conversation you won’t start it as an aggressor but as a lover.

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