Archive | July 2014

I Am Not A Fetish

I am a woman, I am a sexual being and I am a curvy BBW. The books will say that anyone who finds me attractive is perverse and has a “fetish” because I do not conform to the “societal norm of attractiveness”. Here’s what I say on that, when more than 2/3rds of Adult Americans over age 20 are considered overweight and more than 1/3rd are flat out obese, maybe it’s time to reconsider what may be the “societal norm of attractiveness”.

I’ve always been a big girl and I’ve never had a problem attracting men. I may have just been super lucky in finding a shit ton of fat fetishists but I doubt that.  I suspect that it’s been more often the case that men have picked me not because of my thickness but many times despite it. Self confidence is usually the driving force behind attraction. While there are definitely men who find fat sexy, why is that any different than men being “boob men”, “ass men” or lovers of blondes, brunettes or redheads? It’s not, it’s a preference. Calling sexual attraction to curvy/thick/fat/large women a fetish is simply another way for society to ostracize and shame people. If you think I’m hot, you’re a fucked up pervert. Nice, right?

Fuck you, society and all you judgmental psychologists. Sexual attraction to inanimate objects is one thing but to another human being? What the fuck ever!

My husband may be a bit of a pervert (and I thank the good Lord for it daily!!) but it’s not because I’m a big girl, it’s because I’m a sexy bitch and he’s damn creative! Woot! Woot!

So, in closing let me just say that sexual attraction between humans varies and as long as it’s all consensual, there isn’t a damn thing wrong with any of it. Trying to suggest that someone is abnormal for having a healthy sexual appetite is a form of shaming the world can do without.

How Do You Date When You Have Children?

This is a question many of us have and is not exclusive to Big Girls. Dating is very hard when you have children. Good parents make no move or decision, no matter how minor,  without first thinking “how will this affect my kids?”.  Dating is even tougher when you have children and you have experienced abuse in your own life.

My next question came to me via Facebook:

Here’s my question / dilemma: I have been avoiding dating or getting serious with someone for quite some time. I am very paranoid of someone mistreating my children. I was mistreated by my step-mother and have witnessed many others suffer the fate of being mistreated by a parent’s significant other.

All the news stories of children being abused or killed by mom’s boyfriend adds fuel to the fire. I met a great guy a year ago, but once he told me that he used to spank his step-child my heart sank. It was something he fought about with his ex-wife. He has never spanked his child. I don’t think he is a child abuser, but there is no way I would ever feel comfortable having my children around him because of this. For the record I never let anyone meet my children on the rare occasion I do date someone. Am I being too paranoid or should I listen to my instincts about this person?

My child has special needs and it takes a very special person to understand he does not act out to simply be “bad”.

There’s a lot to cover there but I will start off by saying ALWAYS listen to your instincts. If you sense something is off, someone sent your antennae up don’t ignore it. News story after tragic news story is filled with people, who, ignored red flags.

That is not to say you should give up living while you have young children, not at all.  There are many very happy blended families living wonderful lives. The key is to not rush into anything.  Don’t bring a new person home to meet your kids for at least 6 months into the relationship. Give yourself time to know the real person. Everyone puts on their best face in the beginning of any relationship, you need time to know the real person warts and all. Once you feel you know them, perhaps after you’ve had some disagreements…that’s when you introduce them to your children. Don’t move them in right away. Your children need time to get to know them and they need time to get to know your kids. You may be in love but your kids are not and your new person does not yet love them.

While your children are young, their needs and wishes come first. If they cannot accept the person you love then you must take that as a strong indicator that this may not be the right person for all of you.  Single parents cannot date the way they did before, they are now a unit and it really is all or nothing, until the children are grown.

When you have Special Needs children, it is even MORE important that you date slowly. Your new person must learn all they can about your child’s particular needs so they can truly understand what they may be getting themselves into. Your Special Needs child will also need more time to adapt to any changes you propose to make.

You need to establish ground rules with any future person about how the children are to be treated. If you are against spanking, it must be made clear and the reasons why must be clearly outlined.  You can’t marry someone and then make it impossible for them to have a relationship with your children, by tying their hands completely when it comes to discipline. You can’t set up a scenario where your new mate is disrespected but you don’t want to put your children at risk either. Being a Step-parent is not an easy task, don’t make it harder. If you don’t feel you could ever trust another human being with the care and welfare of your children, then don’t date someone beyond casual. Don’t put yourself or someone else in a position to develop feelings for you. That would not be fair.  Be honest up front that you are not looking for a relationship, that you will never allow yourself to be in one.

There are many, many amazingly loving blended families. My children are in two. I remarried and my ex-husband remarried. Two of my sons have both a Stepmom and a Stepdad. It works for us, my boys are loved by both of their Stepparents unconditionally. Two of my three sons are Autistic and one of my Autistic sons by my ex-husband. So, I am speaking from a place of experience when I address you in terms of having Special Needs children. I was you.

When I met my husband, I had all the same fears that you have. I was very upfront when I started dating him and he asked me many questions about Autism. He took a very avid interest in learning all he could about the condition. He even told me things I hadn’t heard of in regards to Autism. My son was only 3 at the time, the diagnosis just occurred, I was newly divorced and scared about letting anyone in. I had dated and dropped 4 or 5 men without any of them having even breathed the same air as my children. When I knew it was right, I proceeded slowly and the rest is history. I’ve been with my husband nearly 7 years and we are approaching our 5th wedding anniversary this October.

It can happen, if you wish but it’s not an easy road. Just remember this, your children’s needs come before yours and if a new person in your life can’t meet that expectation, then they can’t be in your life.

Good luck!

Goddess or Doormat

Pablo Picasso famously called women either Goddesses or Doormats and through the years many have tried hard to define which was which. I find it simpler to just go with the obvious and look at the dictionary.

Goddess: a female god or a woman whose great charm or beauty arouses adoration; a woman who is adored or idealized, esp by a man

Doormat: someone who is treated badly by other people and does not complain. Someone who allows others to use them and toss them away when they finish.

There are many women walking around believing themselves to be Goddesses when they are nothing more than doormats.

So, for all you ladies out there, I am going to focus on doormats since this tends to be the thing we allow ourselves to blindly become.

Ask yourself the following questions:

  • Do you give more than you get?
  • Do you sacrifice and accommodate to please because you fear losing your man’s love?
  • Do you get super excited and subtly or overtly design your life around your man- becoming too available?
  • Do you compromise your values to keep his love or put your dreams aside?
  • Do you put his needs before your own and believe that by fulfilling him – he’ll be loyal, giving and desirous of you?
  • Do you allow him to use you for sex (real or virtual) knowing he is married?
  • Did you become the “other woman” only to be tossed away like garbage when the affair was discovered?

If you answer yes to even one of those, you are currently or have been some man’s DOORMAT.  There are ways to take back your power but the first step is realizing that you or rather your lack of self esteem is the problem.

You can never be a Goddess with someone who treated you like a doormat unless you repair yourself. Truthfully, why would you want to be with someone who treated you like you didn’t matter? The answer is you don’t but you do want to stop attracting men who see you as their next target. How do you do that?

Stop believing you’re unworthy, stop thinking that you can’t do better, stop looking at your flaws and telling yourself that you can’t have what you want because you’re fat now, had a shitty childhood, you’re ugly, you have children. Don’t mistake being a vengeful angry bitch with being a strong Goddess. Goddesses don’t need to be angry nor vengeful, they don’t need to be a bitch, they don’t need to be “maneaters”.  That’s insecure thinking and behavior. The male equivalent to this is what we call an Insecure Beta.  Insecurity is what caused you to be a DOORMAT in the first place. Treating men like shit does not make you strong, it makes you weak and sets you up to be used by a stronger personality. A truly secure person wants the same in a mate. They won’t allow themselves to be used, to be 2nd best, to whore themselves for some payment be it money or some other golden nugget. A secure Goddess will not tolerate being treated poorly, they demand better or they walk away with their dignity.

You need to build yourself up, to believe you are worthy and wonderful. To look at your reflection and see the amazing, sexy, beautiful and unique creature that you truly are. Tell yourself everyday that you are until you start to believe it.

Everyone has baggage. Everyone has things they carry and I’m not saying that you should only be with someone who is perfect. You should choose your equal though. You need someone who gives you their shoulder, as often as you give yours. A person who wants to fulfill your dreams, wants and desires as much as you want to fulfill theirs. A person willing to work hard through life’s bumps rather than runaway. Someone who would run into a burning building to pull you out, as you would for them. Someone who will not allow others to treat you poorly, someone who will stand up for you and defend you against your attackers….as you would for them. Someone who will both love and respect you. Someone who will forgive you as you forgive them…as none of us is perfect.

That’s what you should want, that’s what you should have and that is what it will be, if you are a Goddess.

 

When Your Heart Has Been Smashed…

How do you recover both your heart and your self esteem after a nasty break up? That is the question of the ages. We’ve all been there. Love is one of life’s greatest gifts but it comes with a dark side. The dark side is something we all face when the love leaves and even more tragic…the love doesn’t always leave. What can you do when the person you loved and thought you were going to spend your life with changes their mind and stops loving you?

The first thing you must realize is that it’s not a bad thing. We break up and then all we can focus on is how amazing the love was and how the person who left was the most amazing person ever. They were damn near a saint!!  We forget how shitty the relationship became, how that great person made us feel unworthy of them, ignored us, cheated on us, made us feel completely unloved and unwanted. We’re devastated, broken, unimaginably hurt. We start to think love isn’t in the cards for us, we amplify our every flaw into these gigantic billboards. We pound our firsts and think no one will ever love us!!! How could they when we are so worthless and unattractive?

Break ups, like infidelity,  can just wreck our self esteem and it seems damn near impossible to get it back. We have no choice though, we MUST get it back. In Can A Big Girl Be Sexy?  I had unanimous agreement that the outer package is not truly what makes a person attractive, it really boils down to self confidence.  Though I didn’t need people to agree with me, I’ve seen it in practice for most of my adult life. If you have self confidence, you project it, you treat yourself as you should and THAT is what makes a person sexy and appealing to others.  Now you can read that post and change “Big Girl” to pretty much anything (over40 girl, Cancer Survivor girl, short girl, super tall girl) and the post still applies, heck, it applies to men as well. Self confidence is the driving force of sex appeal and once you get yours back…you will realize that love is NEVER not in the cards for you. When there is life, there is hope and there is love. It’s really that simple.

So, what do you do when your heart has been smashed? How can you start to rebuild your self confidence? Getting laid helps and it helps a lot. Nothing boosts you up like having someone want to fuck you, especially if you don’t think you are remotely fuckable. So, you need to get back on the horse, as they say. If you don’t, you will have crippled yourself and created a permanent wound where one hadn’t existed until now. Don’t let self doubt take up a permanent residency inside your head. Fight it! Fake it if you must but push yourself into action. Stop crying and be a fighter.  Sign up for a dating sites and start going out on dates.

You must do something and I know it seems impossibly hard but once you do, you will be happy again…

 

How Do You Make Him Give Up Porn?

Queenofallevil,

My husband has a porn addiction and it’s ruining our marriage.He watches it all the time and he’s always looking at porn sites. I hate it. I don’t want to make love with him because I know it’s not me who is exciting him. He says he enjoys it but it is not the porn that makes him horny, it’s me. I don’t believe him. He’s always been into it but once we married, he should have stopped.  It’s like cheating! Help me, please. I need him to understand. How can I make him stop?

I’ll be really honest with you, it’s not porn that’s ruining your marriage, but you might be. You have a problem with porn, obviously. He watched it BEFORE you married him and you still married him? You say marriage should have made him stop, but did you make it a condition of marriage? If yes, and he agreed, then you have a problem. BUT, if you didn’t, and I kinda doubt that you did, then the problem rests with you. Marriage is not some magic balm that changes a person into the perfect specimen because you decree it.

Porn is NOT cheating. There are probably a million people wishing their ex watched porn rather than banged someone outside the marriage.  Porn is looking at naked people or watching sexual acts. Cheating is engaging in the behavior. I can watch firefighters put out a fire, that does not make me a fireman. It makes me an observer.

Put on your big girl pants and ask yourself what is really the problem with the porn? I think it’s more about you being insecure than anything else. Insecurity unchecked will destroy your relationship … eventually. You asked him and he told you that you turn him on. Believe him. I’ll tell you what it likely is. He probably has a fantasy or a fetish that he is not comfortable sharing with you and maybe he gets that fix from what he’s watching. We all have something, and we are scared someone will think we’re weird or a sicko, so we keep it buried.  I have one and after being with my husband almost 7 years, he does not know it. I have not had the courage to confess it, I’ve come close but alas … no cigar. Heck he told me one of his only recently!!!

Why not try this: instead of giving yourself the vapors, ask him to watch his porn with you.  He will either be elated that you want to try that with him or he’ll be compelled to tell you what he’s been hiding. Whatever the case, remember that you love this man and chose to be his wife. Don’t judge him, love him.

Now to be 100% totally fair, I will say that there can be a problem with porn viewing. Is porn replacing YOU? Is he watching porn rather than choosing to be with you? Has your sex life slumped but his viewing of porn increased? Do you feel as if you’ve been replaced sexually by porn and/or his online activity? If any of these are what’s happening, it’s a problem. I didn’t get the impression from your email that any of these situations were the case.

If they are, please, email me back, rosie[dot]ribner[at]gmail[dot]com – I will write another post to cover those question because that answer is VERY different than the one I gave here.

 

How Do You Get Him to Pay Attention?

My Dearest Evil Majesty,

My boyfriend and I have been dating a bit over 6 months. In the beginning, he paid so much attention to me that I feel maybe spoiled me a bit. Now he spends all his time on Facebook chatting with friends or on the phone. I spend many nights feeling like I’m just an accessory in his apartment. Sometimes I wonder if he’d notice me if I caught fire. I don’t understand what went so wrong. He gets angry at me when I mention being lonely because we spend so much time together but breathing the same air is not spending time together, is it? If so, why do I feel so alone? I really think I love him and I thought he loved me but now I’m not sure about him. Our sex life is tanking too. All he seems to want me for is sex but I need more of a connection. I can’t just fuck someone because they have an erection, I need to feel loved and cared about. What should I do? How can I get him to make me a priority?

 

Argggh! Facebook is the bane of good relationships, I swear!!

You need to have a discussion about expectations and it needs to be calm and rational. You need to avoid sounding accusatory.  I’m a bit concerned because 6 months is the beginning and if he’s not interested in spending time with you now, engaged in a conversation, snuggling or anything else; where will he be in a year or two?

I’ll be honest, because you love him I’m going to suggest trying but my instinct says to be prepared to walk away. A relationship needs more than just sex and at 6 months that’s all you got and it sounds like you aren’t even enjoying it.

So, you need to get him to understand that you need more one on one time with him. Explain what that means to you. Find out what he needs and make him spell it out. If you find that it is something you can come to a happy middle ground, then give him a chance to show you that he loves you.  If after two or three months you find the situation has not changed, end it. It won’t get better and the last thing you want to do is saddle yourself with a marriage and children to a man that doesn’t really want you.

Never allow someone to treat you like you don’t matter, that is not what makes a happy and healthy relationship. It could simply be that he is not ready for something serious. That’s okay. It doesn’t make him a bad guy, it just makes him the wrong guy for you.

There are plenty of fish in the sea for both of you, it’s possible you hooked the wrong one. It’s okay, we’ve all done it.

 

Special note: This is not advice for married couples. This is for daters only. Marrieds need to work harder if this is your issue.

Sexy Idea…New Twist

Some of you Big Girls are reading my posts and thinking, “yeah, whatever Queen that shit won’t work for me because…(fill in your low self esteem belief/excuse here)”. Yeah, I know, I was there.  That’s why I am writing this blog.

I WAS YOU. Lacking self confidence can be positively crippling both emotionally and physically, Physically? How so? Easily, if you’re NOT right in your head, you will not enjoy sex; you can and likely do inhibit your ability to orgasm.

All great sex, for women, starts in the mind and works its way down through your body. Got that? If you don’t believe you’re sexy, you won’t believe your mate when they tell you or show you how sexy you are…don’t waste your opportunity. Enjoy every moment, stop telling yourself you can’t cum unless…just be in the moment and feel it.

I’m giving you ideas to help build your self confidence, some of them will make you balk. I know, trust me, I know. Most people assume that self confidence is what allows you to step up your sexy game to the next level.  Like the old question about what came first the chicken or the egg…most of the time stepping up your sexy is what leads you to building your self confidence. It’s a leap of faith.. You may not succeed your first time out but NEVER stop trying, if you don’t jump, you cannot fly. Once you start flying, the confidence starts rising till you’re soaring.

That said, now let me share with you an idea that will help you get lift off. Boudoir photos. I’m not suggesting you go to a place and pay to get pictures done. Nope, nada and nyet!

Step 1: Dig out or purchase some sexy lingerie

Step 2: Fix up your hair, put on your make up and wear your hottest outfit.

Step 3. Walk over to your spouse/SO, smile, say nothing and hand them a camera/cell phone or Ipad

Step 4. Crook your finger and walk to the bedroom.

Step 5. Start posing and in the process start removing your lingerie

Step 6. Let them take a few nude shots, unless they couldn’t hold out

Step 7. Fuck their brains out or let them fuck your brain out.

Most important thing I want you to do is SAY NOTHING with your mouth before Step 7.  We can effectively kill a mood with negativity.  Don’t ruin the momentum you’re creating by telling yourself or your mate that you look fat/feel fat or whatever. Speak with your eyes and your body; fake it till you make if you must but keep that trap shut!!! LOL

Even if your relationship isn’t in the greatest place, this will work wonders for both you and your relationship.